1.) On Wednesday, Jill Biden was caught on film taking her Secret Service detail lingerie shopping on Michigan Avenue. More embarrassing, she was also heard calling her husband for his hip measurements.
2.) Need to redo my New Year’s Resolution. Approaching all things with a child-like wonder is not ideal when working with power tools.
3.) Police Chief McCarthy is furious over the continuing “crime-perception spree” in Chicago. Thus he chastised news outlets for again not reporting that nearly 2.7 million citizens weren't killed this week.
4.) Following Obama’s G-20 trip to Mexico, the Secret Service emailed all agents: “Los Cabos was off da HOOK! And thanks to everyone for not forgetting to tip your hostesses.”
5.) Weekend fun tip: give directions to Chicago tourists using only brown honorary street signs.
SkitSketchJeff is Jeff Burdick, a former journalist who covered the Scopes Mouthwash Trials in the 1990s. For more FluffingtonPost humor, sketch videos and fake news, visit BurdickComm.com.