“You deserve better and that’s what you desire…”
These words are part of a text I got from a guy I was really digging and I thought was digging me back. We met on a Friday night at a lounge. Our conversation was easy, unpretentious. It was like he and I were the only ones in the room and others could come in by invitation only. I ended up siting next to him on the couch in my need to catch a break from the dancing and loud music. He had big beautiful brown eyes and his vibe was welcoming.
In the 5 to 7 minutes that we exchanged information about our lives, it felt like we had known each other for years. He knew exactly what to say and where to touch me with respect. Yes! He touched me, wrapped his arms around me when I in mid conversation mentioned ‘protection.’ For a girl who values her physical space, I welcomed his warm embrace. Something about Jackson’s nature was gentle and disarming.
He gave me his card and I told him I’d call him. Like a geek, I waved goodbye to him as I walked out with my girlfriend.
Fast forward 48 hours. Our first phone conversation was delightful and so was the second one. I was sure some sparks were flying between us. I nearly fell over in a dream like state when he stated he prefers to call than text. I absolutely hate dealing with a guy who thinks texting or Facebook is enough to get to know me. It seems the 35 and over guys get this better than the younger ones. The English language is meant to be heard with all of its breaths, intonations and colorful expressions.
But I digress…
I was bubbling with excitement when Jackson and I talked for the third time before the end of the weekend. To my surprise, he shared that I seemed like a really nice girl but “…I’m not ready, willing, or looking for what you need, want, and so appropriately deserve.”
Oh it got worse. He offered to hook me up with a friend of his who a few weeks ago talked about wanting to settle down and start a family. “I think you two would be great for each other.”
I was utterly confused and pissed off by Jackson’s mixed messages. It was clear he was attracted to me and enjoyed our conversations but here he was passing me over like old laundry to his guy friend?
I wanted to slap him through the phone! I made it clear to him that I do plenty fine by myself meeting guys and that I didn’t want his help. I’m sure Jackson could see me rolling my big Caribbean eyes and my right hand resting on my hip with attitude through the phone. “The nerve of him!”
I really don't need his help meeting guys. Everyday some guy is drawn to me or offers some words of affirmation. It's too bad though that most of the men I've met lately fall into these categories:
1. Married with children, having affairs
2. Single, 1 to 3 children from a previous marriage or a few female relationships and ready to paint a picture of their baby's mama or ex-wife as crazy
3. Single no children, educated, in the late 30's and early 40's and ambivalent about having children or being in a committed relationship.
I want to meet men in category 4: TRULY single, between 30 and 40,Christian, educated with no children, and want to be married.
Where do these men go to meet women like me?
People say, "Put yourself out there". If by this they mean explore various social settings, then I should be in a wonderful position to run into great single men. I'm at church, lounges, bars, art shows, concerts and festivals, soccer games, in and out of Starbucks and other cafes. But, I keep running into the men in categories 1 to 3. I'm starting to feel like my being 31, single, never married, no children and educated is abnormal.
"You must just be very picky," one person said to me a few days ago when I shared my status. I never said anything to this person about superficial things some women nowadays think a great guy should come with, (e.g. a fancy car, a six figure salary, or a degree from Harvard). I'm like pathologized now for wanting basic things in a great mate and for not having drunk the "got a kid or two" kool aid.
Now I've met some really great blended families. I just don't believe I'm cut out to be in one. I want to go through the child conceiving and bearing process with a man who will enjoy it for the first time. I mean why wouldn't a man who has had children with different women decide to work through the relationship with at least one of them, even if it's for the sake of the children? I question whether or not that man has what it takes to be fully committed to any relationship. I know well that some people are better off being apart for some very good reasons. But, will this same guy leave me with two or three children if he finds another more exciting, pretty, or fun woman to be with? I'm just saying...
No I'm not holding onto a fairy tale approach to relationships. I know committed relationships are more than a man sweeping me off my feet and rescuing me from all of life's woes riding on a white horse. Growing up, I saw mom and dad experience some very rough patches in their marital relationship. I grew to respect dad for honoring his commitment to one woman, my mother, who gave birth to ten children. Yes, 10, damn it! Dad did everything he could, including working two or three jobs to try to feed us. Some days we had more and some days we had less. But, he kept coming back home day after day to honor his commitment.
While I'm glad that men take notice of me when I'm out and about, I want to meet more of the kind that can and want to, "put a ring on it," in the words of Beyonce.
So, here’s where you come in reader. If you know where the category 4 men hang out, hook a sista up!!! Some of them have got to be looking for me. That's right. Join in with me..."All the single men...All the single men..."
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