"I Want My Hope to be Waterproof"

It doesn't take much to knock me off of a path of happiness. And by happiness, I'm referring to a very fleeting state of feeling good in and about the world.

I hate that rejection felt from a failed romantic relationship or a "No" from a prospective employer, turns my smile into a wretched frown. You can see it all over my face when I've experienced something sour, something that shifts my positive energy into a real life ugly performance even God shakes His head at.

It's a good thing I don't play poker. All of my cards would be known in a matter of seconds. I think I'm more of a charades kind of girl?

So, I had a group interview on Friday.

No one could tell me I wasn't going to get an offer for  the second round of interviews. I prepped really well and knew the qualities the organization was looking for. My career cheerleader had given me the interview recipes and called me the day before to boost my confidence.

For two hours, I and about 19 other candidates were bum-rushed with questions that we had to answer in 45 second intervals. I had never experienced anything like this group interview.

When the challenging ordeal was over, I thanked the director  for a memorable experience and left smiling. I was so confident that I would be one of the candidates to receive an email to return for more torture the following Monday.

4:00PM came on Friday and no email. I waited until 5:00pm. No email.

What? Wasn't I good enough? Aren't I worth it? I studied for the exam. I had all of the right answers they were looking for (at least I thought so).

By 5:30PM, my mind went blank. My initial positive outlook on the experience faded, and I retreated to my room to begin writing out invitations for a pity party. It took a whole 24 hours to get back to a "thank you God for food, clothing & shelter," disposition.

Funny how all of the bad things that have happened in your childhood or negative experiences that occurred a few weeks ago, can suddenly rush to the forefront of your mind when you're experiencing a more recent disappointment. (Maybe it's just me and my own pathology?)

I didn't like my ME after 4:00PM on Friday and into much of Saturday afternoon. Just stank!

I got to be better at not giving my song away at any sign of the tides turning. I can't stay down too long when what I'm seeing and experiencing doesn't match up with what I'm hoping for.

I want to be better with disappointment the next time. I want it to take me less energy to bounce back up. I want to remember that a "No" response is not directly attached to my worth.

Damn it, L'Oreal, I want my inner make up to be the reason why I'm worth it. I want joy, peace, and determination that's deeply rooted and doesn't run like mascara when tears come. I want my hope to be waterproof! And life's trials proof.

I'm going to keep sending the resumes out and take from Friday's experience all the lessons I can. I've got a bigger party to prepare for in a few weeks. I'll be celebrating a job offer beyond my wildest dreams.

And my song, "God has not forgotten," will be sung to whoever wants to hear it.

I WILL make it on the other side of this unemployment. Just need that one "Yes."

 

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