The Southside Sucks

The Southside Sucks


The Southside of Chicago has taken a beating this year. The mayor along with the governor closed schools and mental health facilities along with the national media comparing our side of town to a war-torn, middle eastern city. To add insult to injury, our favorite son, Derrick Rose on the shelf again.

I gave the folks at Thrillist a shot to include the Southside when they did “Does your Chicago neighborhood suck? An investigation.” Due to a “lack of interest,” Thrillist  passed on my offer to write a southside edition.

That’s fine. We don’t need them.

Remember, this is a parody. Let’s have fun. If someone is going to make fun of the Southside, then it should be the Southsiders cracking the jokes. If someone is going to laugh at us, we should be in on it. I also enlisted fellow Southsiders to make fun of where they live.

Check it out.

Bridgeport: Just because you live here, by proxy, you think you're in the mob. Sorry guys, that doesn't scare anyone. You don't even support your own baseball team(White Sox) but you bitch at Cub fans for supporting their team. Make up your mind. Also, northside hipsters now call your neighborhood home. Sucks to be you. Sidenote:Stop saying "You's guys."

Beverly: So your dad/brother/cousin/neighbor is a cop or a firefighter. After graduating from Mount Carmel, Brother Rice, St.Rita or any other Southside Catholic high school, you expect for some string to be pulled in your favor. Also, you pride yourself on being the reason why the South Side Irish Parade went on hiatus. Passing out with a bottle of Jameson stuck in your mouth further perpetuates the stereotype. Don't forget how you bristle at the fact that your neighborhood has gotten too "diverse" for your liking. Go ahead, move to Mount Greenwood. It's only the Chicago way.

Englewood: You see that the news of opening a Whole Foods store in your hood means that you might not be there when it opens. No offense, you're getting in the way of progress, I mean gentrification. Most of the city hates Rahm as much as you do. You hate that America thinks you live in a warzone. In fact, you laugh at it. Derrick Rose grew up here and Urban Prep(charter school) has a 100 percent graduation rate. It can't be that bad.

South Shore: Nobody knows where your neighborhood is. Often, you have to tell folks(no pun intended) that your neighborhood is south of Hyde Park.

Full disclosure: The writer grew up in South Shore

Hyde Park: Mini northside. If you are a witty, urbane, college educated African-American, chances are, you live in Hyde Park . Hyde Park fronts on diversity. A white person who moves to the area for 'diversity' is usually the first one to the call the police on a brotha who’s walking down the street minding his own business. Between two police departments and the secret service, navigating through the southside’s most congested neighborhood is virtually impossible. I might have to take out a small business loan just to park in Hyde Park. Also, you secretly dislike University of Chicago students.

Bronzeville: Where gumps get suckered into paying Naperville prices for housing but still have to avoid crack heads and stick up kids. If I'm paying 400k for house, I don't want a gangbanger within 20 square miles of it.

Roseland: Stand in the middle of Palmer Park and wait to get shot. Home of the strong Chicago political machine! Where Hutchinson, Shaw and Beale all gained power and their misuse of power. Welcome to the mighty 9th Ward.

South Chicago: Where a group of dudes tried to break down my door at 4p.m.and I rushed home from I-290 and beat the cops by a full hour!

Pilsen: Just because I’m black doesn’t mean I’m in a gang!!! Stop throwing gang signs at me!

Mt. Greenwood: The place where city workers are forced to live because they can't live in the suburbs. Also, this place is a slightly more racist neightborhood than Beverly.

Back of the Yards: Where?? Damn, begging to get shot!

Washington Heights : One of the few neighborhoods that is considered “The Wild Hundreds.” The only place in the city I know of where one can get a four piece chicken dinner, a condom along with a blunt via drive thru.

Grand Crossing: Why are there more churches in this area than schools?? Black people love Jesus. Okay, we get it.

Chatham: The people who were forced to move from the housing projects are trying to destroy your hood. Don’t let them!!
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