I’ve had some strange interactions lately. Whether it’s with a new acquaintance or even an old friend, everybody is acting funny towards me. I’ve been trimming my nose hairs on a regular basis, using a decent deodorant and not ranting about how Andy Cohen from BravoTV has single handedly taken women in this country back 60 years, so it’s not that. I think I’ve finally figured it out why I’m getting such a weird vibe: people think I’m a total nutball for writing about sex.
Here’s how it goes, at least with a new person in my life. We meet. We shake hands and exchange the normal pleasantries. Then, upon saying goodbye, she/he googles me and soon discovers that I sometimes find it necessary to talk about oral pleasure. After that, all bets are off.
First come the questions. Is your husband ok with this? (Yep.) Why did you start writing about sex and relationships? (Depending on my mood: A. It’s interesting or B. Because I DID NOT DIE AFTER GETTING MARRIED, HAVING A BABY AND TURNING 39.).
I love writing about physical intimacy. I love that people share their thoughts, stories, fears, happiness, vibrator recommendations and concerns with me publicly and privately. Sure, I could do without the misogynist jokes and being tagged in photos on Facebook of hot dog buns that look like vaginas, but who am I to complain?
I get it. Sex is something that we, as middle-aged folks who once upon a time glammed it up Sex and the City style, are still learning how to talk about. Many among us believe we shouldn’t discuss it at all. Where are the boundaries? Who the heck knows. So when a gal like me, on the brink of 40 and with her Ivy League master's degree gathering dust in the closet, starts sharing musings about sagging breasts and libidos or a lack of vaginal lubrication, it’s unusual.
For those who have asked and for those still wondering about what goes on in the mind and life of someone who really enjoys writing, talking and thinking about sex, allow me to clear up some misconceptions.
1. I am a sexpert.
I wish. “You don’t know about [insert: position, sex toy, movie, slang phrase, sex goddess here]????!!” Ask this question with a boatload of judgment and incredulity, and you are just one of the many people who are disappointed to discover that when it comes to sex, I am no Lou Paget, though she is kind of my hero.
But I am curious. I want to know the secrets to great sex, particularly now that I am about to enter a new decade of life and my uterus is hanging out a “retired from the baby making business” sign. I also want to know how to make my marriage a warm, safe, happy, adventurous, vulnerable place. And so I ask a lot of questions – to others and myself – and then I share what I observe. It’s been my experience, over the last couple of years of writing, that both joy and misery love company.
2. I have sex all the time.
Now remember, I said “all the time.” I’ll be honest with you on this one – researching and writing and talking about sex will do wonders for your libido. Don’t believe me? Spend a few hours a week thinking about your private parts. Keep a journal. Fantasize. Read. Try out new toys and games. Holeee! I can almost guarantee that before long you will notice the sleeping bear awaken. And when she does, she will be looking for a pot of honey to sink her teeth into.
It's one of the many reasons I write. I want to yearn for physical intimacy, so I write about sex. I talk about sex. And, best of all, I listen to what others have to say about it. So next time we hang out, please remember this: I’m just an average woman with a little old blog who happens to think WE HAD KIDS – WE DIDN’T DIE. And with all we do to take care of those around us, we deserve some fireworks, in and out of the bedroom.
(Photo credit: adamr/freedigitialphotos.net)
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