How to (not) talk dirty to your husband

My husband and I are in a really happy place lately. We’re not bickering a whole lot, not taking life's stresses out on each other too much and have even ramped up the frequency of our lovemaking.

So when we attended his cousin’s wedding this weekend, I found myself in high spirits. Taking my seat next to him in front of the chuppah thirty minutes before the ceremony was scheduled to begin, I stopped checking Facebook status updates on my phone and decided to flirt with him.

dirty talk marriageHow does one flirt with her spouse of almost 10 years? Hmm. I review the list of flirt options I have stored in my brain, and discover I haven’t updated it in a very long time. This is a problem. Let’s try dirty talk. I will engage in dirty talk with my husband, something I don’t do very often. Leaning over seductively, I say softly and breathily into his ear, “You are so hot.”

I can tell by the way his cheek muscles crinkle on the side of his face that he is smiling and intrigued. I continue, “I want you so bad.” He doesn't move an inch, which I take as an indication that he wants more, that he needs more. Racking my brain, I try hard to think of what to say next, since I’ve now exhausted my repertoire of dirty talk.

“When we get home, I want to rip off all your clothes and lick you from head to toe.” Now I’m done. I'm totally done. My mind is an empty space. I have nothing sexy left to say. An ending. I just need an ending. Shit. What do I do for the ending?

“And after that, I’m going to sprinkle you with…” (panic)

“with….” (more panic)

“my vagina.” (oh no)

Unable to keep a straight face, both hubby and I start laughing hysterically. So hysterically that I’m pretty sure everyone in his family thinks we are totally nuts. Over the next few hours, hubby frequently glances over at me with a conspiratorial smile. He asks me if I want sprinkles on my salad, gnocchi or in my decaf coffee. All I can do is giggle in response.

Sometimes I spend family events whispering angrily to him about how much he’s ticking me off. I have to admit that this is way more fun. So if you see me murmuring gently into my hubby's ear at a wedding, cocktail party or anywhere in public for that matter, try not to let your imagination run too wild. That's my job.

Like what I wrote? Then you'll love these: Why Every Gal Needs a Vibrator and Four Best Excuses, I Mean Reasons, To Get Out Of Sex With Your Spouse

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