I’m about to raise a very “touchy” subject. If you don’t like subjects that are touchy, the kind of touch one does to herself or another person does to her, go away. Go away right now and never again wonder about the pleasure your body is not enjoying. This is a public service announcement about a battery-operated device that every woman should have next to her bed. A vibrator.
That’s right. Every woman, whether she’s divorced, married, single, confused, straight, bi, trans, gay, pregnant, post-pregnant, or pre-pregnant, should be required to have two battery-operated devices in her home. The first is a smoke alarm, which is designed to tell the woman if there’s a fire. The second is a handy-dandy device like the one below whose job is to create a welcome, splendid burn that starts in a woman's nether regions and spreads gleefully down to her tippy toes and floods every pleasure-seeking canal in her brain.
I’m ashamed to admit it was only this weekend that I truly discovered why this gadget is a must-have. The reason it took so long? I was smug. Yes, smug. I was like that gal in junior high who’s really proud of the fact that she doesn’t need braces, even though she’s secretly jealous of those around her who have them. I’ve always been able to take matters into my own hands, so to speak. What can I say? I’m independent. Well, screw independence. I cannot believe I’ve missed out on what could have been over 25 years of extraordinary, mind-blowing… moments.
Now I have no choice but to spread the word, though it may embarrass my family, male venture capitalists who squirm at any mention of a woman’s sexuality, or the people of the world who simply can’t handle the fact that women want to feel pleasure. Well, guess what; not only do we want it, we deserve it. We deserve pleasure, darn it, the magnificent pleasure that comes with knowing all the different ways our bodies can excite us. And that's where these fun gadgets come in. C'mon, do you really think it's an accident that Mother's Day and National Masturbation Month overlap?
I must warn you, though, as with any technology, there is a downside. Only use this type of gadget if you….
1. Want to be happy
2. Want to have fun, silly, vulnerable, ecstasy-filled moments with your partner
3. Think you deserve to feel fantastic
4. Have walls that are thick enough to cover the loud groans of pleasure that will involuntarily fall out of your face (this may be rendered unnecessary if you have very good self-control over your vocal chords or don’t give a fig what others hear)
5. Want to feel like you did years ago, when you craved sex more frequently than once a month
6. Want to love your body, inside and out, and rejoice in all of the yumminess it can experience
Don’t know where to start? Neither did I, which is why I headed over to G Boutique and purchased a we-vibe. Buy this (yes, I know it isn’t cheap but get over it), have fun and sleep well knowing that you’re making the world a better place. If you’re feeling a little shy, like I was, have your partner buy it (if you have a partner, that is; obviously going solo is fab too). Then you can do what I did, which is let it sit around for a year before actually having the courage to try it out. What the hell was I waiting for?
See you on the other side, where you too will have a really big smile on your face despite all the crap of life happening around you.
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