Do you remember those hot and steamy nights before marriage and parenthood, when you’d count the seconds before your next romp in the sack?
At meetings during the day, you’d smile politely and pretend to follow the conversation as your mind flickered back to the pleasures you’d enjoyed the evening before. Dinners, movies and even museum wanderings were nothing more than flirty foreplay, the chance to gently yet purposefully brush up against your honey’s arm or share an intimate smile, knowing it was just a matter of time before your clothes and your bodies ended up in a tangle on the floor. Remember those days?
Yeah, me neither.
Unfortunately, I have become the master – or shall I say mistress? – of sexual avoidance, finding new ways to defer intimate moments with my hunky, sweet and amazing life partner. Now why do I do this? Your guess is as good as mine.
Perhaps it’s hormonal or caused by a lack of romance that comes after almost 10 years of marriage and countless nights hearing each other in bathroom. Or it could be because my fortieth birthday is seven months away, which according to just about every media outlet and Judd Apatow movie, means my life is over. Whatever the reasons, I am here to share my secrets about the best way to delicately sidestep having to engage in ultimate pleasure with the love of your life.
What better way to end a relaxing weekend of birthday parties, sleepovers, seven loads of laundry, tax returns, spring-cleaning and food shopping than an energetic roll in the hay? However, if by some crazy chance you’re not in the mood, simply pull your back out like I did last yesterday. Then, rather than partaking in hot passionate sex, you can experience an agony more excruciating than pushing a child out of the lower half of your body. During this time, make sure to scream at hubby that you’re calling 911, you’re going to die, and that somehow this is all his fault even though you knew you shouldn’t have taken a 2.5 hour nap on the couch earlier in the day using the soft pillow that always gives you back spasms.
2. North Korea
In case you didn’t know, North Korea is loading up its nuclear missiles and potentially planning attacks on U.S. cities such as San Diego, Washington, Hawaii and Austin, which obviously makes sense since we all know that Austin’s cool cafes, hippy vibe and annual South By Southwest conference are at the root of all American evil. To avoid sexual relations with the person you want to share all of eternity with, simply say that preparing for the possibility of nuclear war is very stressful and labor intensive and you have no time for frivolous pleasures. Then get back to plucking your eyebrows and watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion.
3. Scar (and not the one from The Lion King)
Say your episiotomy or C-Section scar hurts. If your partner says your last pregnancy was over six years ago, tell him/her it’s like a sports injury and acts up when a storm is coming. Then hide all weather apps.
This is another effective strategy I’ve recently employed. After a particularly grueling stretch of work, hubby came home grouchy and picked a fight. Then he refused to concede my 100% rightness and his 100% wrongness during the aforementioned fight. His approach is called, to use my daughter’s words, “not making good choices.” I then signed a sex embargo, which no one - not Hillary Clinton, John Kerry, Dennis Rodman or Aung San Suu Ky - could get me to break. When you use this very effective tactic your partner will soon realize that something drastic needs to happen – a formal, written and notarized apology, a peace treaty, an Occupy Vagina movement, or a miracle – to get back into the fold.
These are just four excuses to help you get out of orgasms, cuddles, and physical intimacy with your partner. Don’t you worry, I have more if you need them. Religion, your child’s education, body dysmorphia, impending family visits – there are countless ways to keep your libido low and your partner’s relationship status “sexually unsatisfied.” You just have to get creative. Remember when “I have a headache” was a married gal’s go-to motto? Ha, I say to that. How boring. Let’s spice up those spice-free excuses, I mean reasons. Our partners deserve it.