Finally, the election is over. Now let’s get back to discussing important current events, like the fight on Twitter between CNN’s Don Lemon and actor Jonah Hill.
Don Lemon tweeted:
"Said hi to jonah hill in hotel. Think he thought I was bellman. Didn't know his name till bellman told me. A lesson to always be kind."
Jonah Hill replied:
"I said hi. what do you want me to do move in with you? I was in a hurry. Didn't realize you were a 12 year old girl. Peace.”
Wow. This is really fascinating stuff. Between Hill’s tweet about girls being sensitive wimps and Jon Stewart’s over-generous use of the word “pussy,” I’m starting to get the sense that it’s totally awesome for guys to use females and our genitalia to "stick it" to each other. Brilliant!
In the spirit of fairness, why don't we come up with a few ways to return the favor? Let's take a look at the male anatomy and experience to find cool new words and phrases to put men down. Clearly, we're not objectifying them by doing this. All in good fun. Right?
1. “Don’t be such a scrotum.”
(The scrotum, if you don't have your glasses on, is at the bottom.)
Have you ever seen a guy upset because his team lost a big game, he stubbed his toe on the corner of the bed (again), came down with a minor cold, or because you finally admitted that you fake 85% of your orgasms? “Don’t be such a scrotum,” highlighting the very sensitive nature of the scrotal sac, is now the perfect way to respond to him or to other men whose feelings you may have hurt. It doesn't matter what the topic is. Just toss out a spontaneous scrotum insult and you will win. Promise.
2. “Dick Wad.”
(Yes, this is Rush.)
An oldie but goodie. Whatever happened to this cute little moniker? Let’s bring it back. Let’s make what’s old new again. Next time a man cuts you in line at Whole Foods after yoga class, simply call him a dick wad. And then picture his little penis all scrunched up in his slightly gray, stretched out tighty whities (Get it? It's a dick, in a wad). I have no doubt that you will feel better and far superior.
3. “You’re such a 12-year-old boy.”
Ah, who doesn't remember those 12-year-old boys back in junior high? Bumbling, acne-covered, dorky, annoying, bra-snapping, sloppy fellas whose voices cracked whenever they uttered a word. Prepubescents who couldn't go to the blackboard to solve a math problem because of the hard-on they were desperately trying to hide below. Next time you see a guy who's feeling insecure, simply call him a 12-year-old boy. He’ll be crushed, and we all know how amaze-balls (i.e. great, but with balls) that is.
Wow, I have to admit, that was a lot more fun, and a lot easier, than I thought it would be. We might need to publish a coffee table book or something to show all of the ways we can use men's own weaknesses, sensitivities and genitalia against them. With pictures, obviously.
Now that we’ve got that covered, allow me to tell Jonah Hill about what life was like when I was a 12-year-old girl. My father had walked out abruptly and taken all of our money. My mother fell apart. She couldn’t give me a dollar to go to the high school football game. Then came domestic violence, poverty, court dates, screaming fights on the front lawn in front of the neighbors, piles of garbage in the driveway, other types of abuse, and a family member’s teenage pregnancy. As a 12-year-old girl, I was stronger than most men ever will be. Including you, Jonah Hill.
So next time you get into a pathetic little spat and want to insult someone, leave the 12-year-old girls out of it. Because 12-year-old girls rock in a way that you will never understand, no matter how many (hit or miss) movies you're in. In fact, these girls could totally kick your ass. Thanks, Jonah Hill. And as you like to say, "Peace."
~By Wendy Widom, Families in the Loop