Soothing words to my tummy after a week of PMS

Soothing words to my tummy after a week of PMS

I’m sorry I strayed with that piece of chocolate cake and those french fries. I didn’t realize the impact it would have on you.

I’m sure somewhere in the world, although I can’t tell you where, people would pay lots of money to have a belly like that.

My apologies for having to stuff you into these pants. Just see it as a cozy get-together with our friend, Mr. Bellybutton.

You look good in stripes. Um. Yeah. So those aren’t stripes. They’re the lines from my waistband.

Look at it this way: the more the merrier.

I did say I’d do extra time on the elliptical. But you saw that Teen Mom, The Millionaire Matchmaker and Basketball Wives had all ended. What else was I going to watch?

You’re right, you’re right; I shouldn’t have waited an hour and a half in line for that cupcake at Sprinkles. But I’m telling you, they really are a cultural phenomenon.

It was only a week. How much damage could I have done in 1 week?

Well, look at the bright side. You wanted to befriend my thighs and now you have something pretty big in common with them.

Listen T, we’ve been together 37 years, through good times and bad (remember the bout of dysentery in Eastern Europe, and that IBS scare in NY?). This issue has come between us for far too long, and it’s time to resolve it once and for all.

You’re beautiful. And so amazingly helpful. Remember how you scooted aside to help me and Ms. Uterus produce the most wonderful child on earth? And I love how artfully you pulverize and organize everything I eat. You rock, my friend! I don’t think I’d be able to make it in life without you.

Who cares if sometimes you hang out a bit over my pants, or if I have to re-arrange you after I sit down? You don’t need to be completely flat or bearing a six pack to be worthy of love. Perfection is not the goal here.

I love you, and yes, I will try harder in 3 weeks  to remain true to you. But I can’t promise anything, T. Because, to boldly and without compunction alter a line from Kate Moss (whose tummy, I can assure you, is concave, miserable and in major need of therapy):

Nothing, at least during one week of the month, feels as good as chocolate tastes.

~Wendy, Partner, Families in the Loop

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  • this is cracking me up! I'm thinking of having a pep talk with some of my sagging parts too (believe me, there's more than just a belly busting out on this 30-something frame).

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