Throwback columns from RedEye's Bag Boy

Throwback columns from RedEye's Bag Boy

Since I'm running an interview tomorrow with the author of RedEye's Bag Boy column, I wanted to share some of his vintage columns. Enjoy!


Make it same time, next year, please
October 28, 2005

So that only took 88 years.

And for those of you thinking that the bag is coming off now, think again.

There's another team on the other side of town that has to win one before I can even think about that. It could happen. First the Red Sox, then the White Sox, then the Cubs.

But for now, this is one of the sweetest moments in a sad, unfulfilled life.

And this was for you, Chicago, and I mean all of you.

I don't care what team you root for, what side of town you are on. You have to respect and admire this team and the way they go about the game.

Thank you, Paul Konerko. You are the heart and soul of this team. And you're coming back. The Red Sox, Angels and Yanks can go fly a kite.

You too, Joe Crede. You are so clutch.

Jermaine Dye. I admit it. I wasn't sure you were an adequate replacement for Mags Ordonez. I was wrong.

Juan Uribe and Tad Iguchi. Grinders. Aaron Rowand too.

A.J. Pierzynski. They said he was a tool. Instead, he has all the tools.

Frank Thomas. Thank you for being classy while having to watch.

The starters. Oh, my God. Nobody can touch these guys. Hey, I was thinking, insert Brandon McCarthy into the rotation next year and make it six unstoppable arms.

The bullpen. They were so good, you hardly ever saw them. Bobby Jenks, I really love you, but I need you to stop eating pizza down in the bullpen. Hard to believe, but at one time this season, Dustin Hermanson was the lights-out closer. It's an embarrassment of riches, especially if El Duque goes to the pen next year.

Ozzie Guillen. I love your energy, your honesty, your approach with players. You're my manager forever.

Kenny Williams. You did it. You had the guts to give this team a makeover, and it worked. Can't wait to see what you have in store next year.

Jerry Reinsdorf. Six NBA titles and now one World Series trophy. I don't care about the ballpark, the strike of '94, or who broke up the Bulls or whatever. You are a winner. Enjoy this.

That goes for you, too, Chicago. I'm not going to be around in 88 years, so I think I speak for everyone when I say win two or three more.

You have the talent, that's for sure.


Sacked again
May 5, 2006

It's not easy suffering from Detroit envy

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, and don't hate me because I'm always right.

Yes, I am.


I am.

Anyway, please don't hate me for what I'm going to share with you, but I have found myself lately being more than a little jealous of Detroit.

This is the part of the TV show where I silently stare at the therapist, and she silently stares at me.

Look at hockey. These fans--clearly not our equals in anything--have enjoyed a world-class hockey run that would be the envy of any city. And they've done it with our guys. Yes, I'm talking to you, Chris Chelios.

And we have had chicken scraps. It's like we're a minor-league team--for the Red Wings.

Here's something else to ponder as the Bulls slowly emerge from their self-induced black hole: For them to continue the climb all the way back, they'll have to go through the Pistons. Ugh.

Already, I wake up in a cold sweat, thinking of the Bad Boys from the 1980s when Bill Laimbeer and Rick Mahorn knocked Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen around. I'm telling you those days are back. I've already bought a mouth guard.

And if this isn't enough, just take a peek at who's chasing our Sox. The Detroit Tigers. I've hated them ever since Jack Morris no-hit the Sox on national TV in '84. Oh, no, the Bag never forgets.

Oh, we have the Bears to their Lions? Do we? Check the recent records. Pretty equal, and what's more, they probably passed us after this latest draft.

Thanks, Jerry Angelo, for the tight end I asked you for about 300 times. Why won't he return my messages?

Look, there are lots of things to like about Detroit. They have good food, nice people, a nice downtown. OK, one of those was a lie.

My point is: They should never, ever, be allowed to have better sports teams then us. They just shouldn't.

They. Should. Not.

So here's the deal: For now, they can have better stadiums than we can, but that's it. In exchange, I promise no more Detroit jokes except for the obvious one.

Detroit's new city slogan: "Come on by, we're close to Windsor."


Getting over my super hangover before it starts
February 2, 2007

When it comes to the Bears and all of the Super Bowl media coverage, I am officially sick of it.

Never thought it would come to this. It's like a hot-dog eating contest--and we're all in first place.

Way back in the day, the first time the Bears did this, let's see, we had a few TV stations, a more anonymous ESPN and only two newspapers.

My god, how did we survive?

Of course, most of us had to get up and change the channel back then, so it was rough all around.

Back then, the Bears would play a game, and then you could actually go do something else for the rest of the day.

Now it's non-stop locker-room coverage, postgame news conferences and nameless, faceless sports columnists. Gosh, I feel like I know the Bears better than I know me. Note to self: Get to know me better in 2007.

So, I'm taking the weekend off. Let's you and I dry out a bit before Super Bowl week.

Note to my editors: I'm available, however, to go to Miami next week. Just sayin'.

Before moving on, though, a quick note to Mayor Daley. Friend, you're wasting your time making one of those friendly wagers with the mayor of Indianapolis. First off, I don't believe that town has a mayor, and if it does, his name is most likely

Fred, and he probably volunteered for it.

Someone told him he might have a shot at Indy 500 tickets, so he did it.

Second, that town has absolutely nothing foodwise or anything else that you could possibly want. There's a reason everyone in the world has driven through Indy, but no one ever seems to stop there.

Onward. Let's take this time to get caught up around town.

Both the Cubs and Sox are signing mediocre, past-their-prime outfielders.

The Bulls are still lacking points in the paint, so they're thinking of overpaying for Pau Gasol. If you're wondering who he is--my point exactly.

There. You're caught up. No, wait. The Blackhawks are years away from mere mention.

Also, and this isn't sports-related, but during my downtime from the Bears, I found out the Democrats took control of Congress. Interesting.

Also, Christmas was last month, and it's now 2007.

For those I've ignored over the past few months, I'm sorry. Let's schedule some time; do lunch. Say after the Super Bowl?
I'll be in detox.

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