Dear Mr Retailer
We need to have an honest, and frank conversation. You, yes you - the company which thinks you have the monopoly over my spending choices. You don't have that kind of power. Not over me anyway. As for my children? Well, today you have proven to be attempting to attack us parents by stealth.
By going through our children. You know children, and how their oh-i-just-gotta-have-it little minds tick. "Back to school season has arrived," you think, while your eyes roll around like a slot machine that has just hit the jackpot.
"Get the back to school gear out, guys! Quick, pronto! Here come the poor souls, ready for the robbing. Wait; don't put the display here - put it next to the candy!
"Let's rob the poor fuckers blind. They'll be too consumed with trying to tick all the boxes on the school supply list, that they won't notice the children diving into the sweet stuff, ripping open packets as they go - engorging themselves on bright green refined sugar that the parents are going to have to pay for.
"Clever us. Now we can send the parents away; poor, with two more glue sticks than they need - which the kids will smear all over the house during the sugar high. Why do they have two more than they need? Because school asked for four. He he he! We only sell them in packs of three. That was a great decision to not sell individual ones!"
Okay. Very wise, Mr Retailer. You won that round; we have enough to surely supply the whole school, let alone one child in one class. What are you going to do next? It's a while until Christmas so you can't beat us down again for a while. We can just avoid that by tag teaming the shopping stuff. Oh? I forgot Halloween? And Thanksgiving? My bad, it looks like TH is going to have some lonesome shopping trips in the future. We're not making THAT mistake again...
But we do still need some shoes for the kids for school. Finally; a shopping experience I might actually enjoy (being a woman and all). Let's go to Shoe Carnival! There's a BOGO (buy one get one) half off! Perfect; finally, a store is singing a tune we like the sound of.
"We've got them, guys. They're in the door! Look! They're picking out the shoes. Oh, Mum and Dad are picking out some shoes for themselves too... Yes! It's working. The kids are getting bored... Yes. Mum just declared it's time to go pay, and get out of 'hell on earth'!
"I don't think she's realised yet. Here they come to pay. Look at their little bodies. Such a perfect height to spot the...
"MUMMY! Look... lollies!" The Miniatures dive for the lollipops and various other sweeties in their general grabbing vicinity.
What the... Hell? Why the flipping flip flop flippy stuff do stores - that have NO BUSINESS selling candy INSIST on doing it anyway? I know. I know. Retailers know that children will want the candy, and ask - and that's why they put it in view at the check out - but seriously?!
The children didn't get any sweets at the shop when we were school supply shopping. Nor did they get any today when we were shoe shopping. Why didn't you get a that little boost in income, Mr Retailer? Because I am the Mum. We are the parents.
We are the people that pay for the shopping. And we're bloody good at saying the word 'NO!' Several times over, if we have to. It doesn't even make a blind bit of difference if the Miniatures stamp their feet, cry, or make any kind of scene.
Even if we have to raise our voice to the level where our own echo reverberates around your entire store - we will never let the children have the goods. Ever. Your tactics don't work on us. We are the ones with the money and the say so on where it goes.
If you insist upon selling candy in a store that shouldn't be - we insist on NOT shopping in your store. Mr Retailer - you don't hold the monopoly on where people shop anymore. It's the digital age, and it's time we said goodbye to the stress of shopping with children, and hello to the free world of the internet, where children don't get bored or hyper, and us parents can live in tranquility.
Now, if the major food retailers could follow in the UK's footsteps and start delivering - it would be greatly appreciated!
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