It seems a little silly that something like my baby starting Kindergarten could bring me to tears as quickly as it has been able to the past 24 hours, but I have totally fallen victim to the whole "how is time going so incredibly fast" thing.
You see, I am pretty sure it was just a few days ago when I was holding each of my boys in my arms and swaying them back to sleep while we danced and rocked in the middle of the dining room of our old apartment listening to Elton John's "Your Song" on repeat. And I think it was only hours ago when I was feeding them their bottles in the rocking chair and staring at their brand new selves wondering what I did to deserve a love like this. I swear they just took their first steps, and just said their first words and just said "I love you" for the first time...but apparently I'm a little off. Because apparently all of that was actually 5 & 8 years ago and apparently they had to start school today and apparently I was never going to be emotionally equipped to handle any of this.
I cried when I waved goodbye to the 3rd grader who has done this first day of elementary school thing three times before because I couldn't believe that he was old enough to not care that we were going to go watch the kindergartner walk through the door. And then I cried some more when he secretly blew me a kiss and shot me a quick smile because he knew I needed it and because he is perfection and his heart is gold and I am so damn proud of him. And then I cried as the kindergartner asked me to stand next to him while he waited in line. And then I cried when he walked through the door because that is my baby walking through that door and why does he look so little and why are those doors so big.
And then they were inside. And I cried some more. But now I didn't have to make sure that the tears stayed in the eyes behind the sunglasses and it just got worse because we walked to school as the 4 of us and usually we walk home as the 3 of us but today we dropped the other one off too and now it was just the 2 of us walking home from school and HOW IS THIS ALL HAPPENING AND IS IT TOO EARLY TO DRINK?
Parenting is not for the weak.
There is nothing that makes me more proud than to be those little boys' mom. Nothing. And I'm not sure what in the world I did to deserve their amazing little selves, but I'm glad that I did whatever it was because they are everything. And so now I sit here and I wait and I wonder (and I cry a little more).
You see, my whole heart walked in that school today.
Inside of that school is everything I love in the form of two little boys who drive me crazy, stress me out and make me lose my mind multiple times a day. Inside that school are two little boys who taught me how to act selflessly, how to forgive quickly, and how to love fearlessly.
Inside that school are the people who will become their friends, the people who will hurt their feelings and the people who will teach them things that I cannot. Inside that school are fears and excitement and wonders that they haven't even thought of yet.
Inside that school are challenges that they will need to overcome, mistakes that they will make, and pride that they will find all on their own.
Inside that school are the teachers that they will challenge, the ones that will challenge them and the ones that will help shape them into bigger kids than they are right now. Inside of that school are battles that they will fight on their own, things that they will still need my help with, and super important lessons to be learned along the way.
But outside that school is a mom full of wonder and hope and anxiety. Outside that school is a mom who is using today as a reminder to enjoy this ride because while it may be bumpy and it may seem long at times, it is speeding by at an incredibly fast rate and there is a mom who has just been reminded to be extremely thankful for the moments that seem small but that are actually monumentally huge. Outside that school is a mom who is thankful to be able to experience this heartache and pride and mind blowing curiosity.
Outside that school is a whole lot of love for what is inside that school because inside that school is every single piece of my happy/sad heart.
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