Things My Kids Have Ruined

I am one of those who truly believes that my life is better because of my kids.
I see things differently now that I have them and I enjoy so much more because of them.
But with all of the good that they have brought...they have taken a few things down with them.
And now, a list of things my kids have ruined.

  1. Songs.
    While they have made some songs more enjoyable, they have actually done a really good job ruining plenty of them.
    Any song with a swear in it?
    "Mom. Mom. Did you hear that? They said a bad word. Mom, you say that word...and it's bad."
    And thanks.
    We were driving in the car a few weeks ago when a song I didn't recognize came on the radio and I hear a genuinely excited voice in the back seat ask me to turn the volume up.
    "This is Daddy's faaaavorite song. We need to listen to it super loud."
    So, I turn up the volume super loud (something I typically do only when someone is screaming at the top of their lungs and I just don't want to hear it anymore) and I wait to hear something that I recognize...but that doesn't happen.
    Then I start to think it sounds like Lady Gaga and now I'm REALLY curious because I have not really ever known Joe to be a big Lady Gaga fan.
    And then I hear it.
    "Do what ya want, what ya want with my body. Yea do what you want, what ya want with my body."
    Oh. My. God.
    I had never heard the song before and instantly am praying that it is only a 60 second song and that I never hear it again.
    The visuals I had in my head as those words were blaring through the speakers in my car were horrifying...and they just kept getting worse.
    I approached Joe with the topic later that evening. Needless to say, we have each heard the song about 75 times since then and are pretty sure that we will never be able to listen to a Lady Gaga song without a certain level of trauma ever again.
  2. My idea of sleeping in.
    When you are awake at 7:00 a.m. on the weekend and feel like half of your day is gone, you quickly realize how awful your normal schedule really is.
  3. My definition of clean.
    If the 25 year old version of me were to meet the 31 year old version of me, she wouldn't be friends with her.
    25 year old me was judgy.
    And clean.
    31 year old me considers the house super clean when there isn't a diaper balled up on the floor and when the sink doesn't have dishes in it.
    She also hasn't seen the vacuum in two weeks.
  4. My hair.
    It is going gray. And it is probably not their fault.
    But if I am already listing the things they have ruined, I might as well just throw that one on here to make me feel a little less old.
    It is much easier to blame them than it is to accept that I am getting old.
  5. Swearing.
    Every now and then it just feels good to throw a swear word into the mix to really highlight your point.
    But now, when I say a swear, I am either saying a quick prayer that nobody heard it or if they did hear it I'm busy hoping  with all I have that they don't go to YaYa and PaPa's and use it correctly in a sentence later that day. Because no matter how many times they botch the use of other more age appropriate words, kids can correctly use a swear word without fail.
  6. My social life.
    I actually thank them for that most of the time, but there are times when I can't help but throw an internal temper tantrum when I think of how nice it would be to just go grab a drink with the girls.
    Actually, it would be nice to just pick up the phone and call one of the girls without having to work around naps and arguments and baths and meals and...
    I talk to my friends quarterly.
  7. Timeliness.
    My idea of getting things done quickly is a joke.
    If I can get everyone up and dressed and out of the door in an hour and a half, I consider the day such a success that I don't even care if we accomplish what we set out to accomplish when we leave the house at that point.
    The fact that we are actually all dressed and I know what time it is is a total win.
    I was never the most timely of humans anyway, but when you throw the whole getting everyone ready and the fact that kids typically need want to eat thing into the mix, just forget it.
    To make it worse, I am married to a dude who lives and dies by that whole "Lombardi Time" nonsense.
    10 to 15 minutes early and you are on time? On time and you are late?
    I guess the time that the kids and I show up to things would be just considered absent.
  8. Being able to be selfish without feeling selfish.
    Sometimes I'll go grocery shopping by myself after dinner and I'll leave Joe to put the boys to bed and I'll send him 35 texts asking him if he is mad that I left because I feel bad that I am leaving him with things to do as soon as he gets home from work. Never mind the fact that I've been doing stuff around the house since the minute that I got home from work or the fact that he has not once made me feel bad for leaving when he gets home or the fact that my "alone" time is actually being spent buying things for them.
    I tried to sit upstairs with a cup of coffee and my computer the other day while the three of them were downstairs playing and I felt so guilty every time I heard them laughing or fighting that I ended up back downstairs within 10 minutes.
    I got my hair cut and colored two weeks ago and then I took the boys for haircuts this week and instead of feeling bad that I spent $50 on haircuts for two little boys with very little hair, I felt guilty that I had spent $95 getting my hair done for the first time in 6 months.
    Mom guilt.
  9. Candles.
    What used to be one of my favorite ways to just make a room feel more cozy and all smelly good is now an object that instills a real kind of fear in this mom's bones.
  10. Dinner.
    They haven't ruined their own dinner. They have ruined mine.
    The only food I eat is either INCREDIBLY hot because I was sneaking a quick bite while I was putting theirs on the plate to cool, or incredibly cold because I am eating whatever they didn't finish while I am carrying their plates from the table to the sink.
    Honestly, the only reason I don't always  make them carry their own plates to the sink is because I am still hungry.
  11. My idea of a cheap trip to the grocery store.
    If I spend less than $125 at the grocery store each week, I am seriously pumped.
    We used to spend $50 and I actually cooked most days.
    To top it off...we just keep producing boys. Boys. The gender that is notorious for eating everything in site from their teenage years to the time they move out of your house.
  12. Television.
    Gone are the days of just flipping on the TV and watching a show while the kiddos play. Now I've got a game of 20 questions going on in my head every time I turn on the TV.
    Is there blood? Guns? Kidnapping? Sex? Is there a baby being born? Did that animal just eat the other animal? Do I really want to have to explain this to a four year old? Do I really want to explain this to a four year old whose dad isn't home to do the explaining for me? Is the language worse than the language I use when I step on a Baseball Guy?
  13. Television.
    I realize that 12 and 13 are the same. But just as much as my kids have ruined my ability to just sit down and watch what I want on TV, they have ruined my ability to just sit down and enjoy what is on TV. Don't get me wrong, I actually do enjoy a pretty decent amount of children's programming. But Thomas the Tank Engine makes me want to cry, Yo Gaba Gaba is just creepy and the one time we accidentally came across Caillou on TV I actually cried.
  14. Television.
    Yes. I realize that 12, 13 and 14 are the same. But just as much as I can't watch what I want or enjoy what I'm watching...I actually cannot even put on the news whether they are awake or asleep without feeling totally ruined. Granted, my kids are not actually to blame for this one as much as natural disasters, accidents and some members of society are, but seriously, like every single thing I see on the news affects me differently now that I have kids.
    It would have sucked if it was -154 degrees outside this week if I didn't have kids, but it sucks more because we can't even go play in the snow (if we really really wanted to) and we have to plan on an extra 15 minutes of getting ready time before we can even get in the car to go anywhere because of the amount of layers and extras we have to have because of how damn cold it is.
    Train crashes and 55 shootings in Chicago overnight? That was also terrible before I had kids. But now that I have kids it is even more terrible because they love trains and they love taking trains into the city and what if they would have been awake to hear that horrific news?
    Anything bad involving a school bus, a child abduction or children with illnesses? Also unbelievably terrible before children. But now that I have children, the thought of anything involving any of that is enough to give me nightmares permanently.
  15. Weather.
    Rainy days are depressing. Rainy days with kids are maddening.
    Tornadoes. Those scared me before kids. Now I am supposed to calmly wrangle my children into the basement when sirens go off without letting them know that I"m also freaking out? Yeah right.
    A ridiculously high heat index making it dangerous to go outside because of air quality and needing to breathe? Not cool. Explaining why we can't go to the park on a perfectly sunny day? Not easy.

But, even while screaming and throwing fake garbage at each other and whining about nobody ever wanting to play with them as I type, I can honestly say that the few things that they have ruined are far less than the amount of things they have made more awesome.
I guess I'll keep them around.


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