Happy Fucking Valentine's Day

This isn't going to be your typical cynical (and rare) blog from me. Nope, not this time. Instead this blog will be written from the viewpoint of a happy girl in a relationship (obviously not me). It will take some creativity on my part--but in the end I think it will be worth it.

 

<3 Valentine's Day Journal <3 2/14/2012 9 A.M

Hey Journal,

Today, when I woke up to the foul stench of my own fart, I realized it was VALENTINE'S DAY! I am so excited to see Fletcher (my dream boyfriend) and see what he got me for Valentine's DAY! I hope he got me an engagement ring because I've been feeling really guilty in church lately due to our constant fornication. I will update you after FLETCHER (who I LOVE) and I get back from our VALENTINE's DAY BRUNCH!

 

1 P.M.

I just got back from Brunch with FLETCHER ( WHO I LOVE) and I am officially going to be MRS. FLETCHER BONER! I've never wanted anything more in my life than to be his Mrs. Boner. I'm already looking at places I can have a super cliche wedding (like Disney World--or even better a destination wedding somewhere exotic that none of my family or friends will be able to afford). The ring could be bigger, but so could a lot of things in our relationship (ex: his weiner). HEY! But I'm not complaining...I'm already 22 and not married. Beggers can't be choosers...plus my FLETCHER treats me so GOOD!

4 P.M.

After staring at my birth control and realizing I missed about two weeks of pills (not on purpose though because that would mean that if Fletcher didn't marry me on V-day he'd have to after he realized I was pregnant---of course I wouldn't do something like that). But after peeing on seven pregnancy sticks I realized that not only will I officially be Mrs. Boner soon, but that we will have a little Boner Baby!!!! Our family will send out holiday cards and birthday invitations signed "Love, The Boners". My life is going to be perfect. Granted, I did spend over $50,000 on a college degree, but having FLETCHER'S BABY will unite us in a way that some people NEVER get the chance to be UNITED! I can't wait to tell him......

 

8 P.M.

FLETCHER IS AN ASSHOLE! I told him I was pregnant with his Boner Baby and he claimed I did it on purpose to trap him! UGH! My life is over. I just cried at dinner the whole time. He told me "No one misses two weeks of their pill on "accident"". It really did just slip my mind. I think he was more surprised because he didn't think he had it in him to impregnate me. We're still engaged though because we will chose to WORK THROUGH our problems and live happily every after (like in Beauty and the Beast). I've got a good grip on reality and I know that just because we are both miserable now doesn't mean that we wont be SO HAPPY later in life.

 

12 AM

Going to bed now. This was the best Valentine's Day ever. I'm engaged and going to be Mrs Fletcher Boner, along with having Mr. Fletcher's baby. I was thinking of names already...I think I like Harold...Harry for Short...My little baby Harry Boner. Good night world. I'm the luckiest girl alive! <333333

 

POST VALENTINE'S DAY REVELATIONS

2/15/2012

Hey Journal,

Turns out I wasn't really pregnant, I just thought I was and told Fletcher for attention. Me and my therapist are sorting it out. Anyways, Fletcher and I called off the wedding because we don't have money to get married right now, but once we save up enough money he is going to make me Mrs Boner, he promised. Yesterday was the PERFECT Valentine's Day!

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