Have you ever been around a person and literally wished you could pull your own hair out just to get them to shut up? There are several types of annoying species on this earth and, unfortunately, most of us have had the unpleasant experience of being around one...or five.
Dude, I wanna get so fucked up tonight!
This is the kid that waits all day and week to get completely hammered on the weekend. They talk about it constantly and they make you wonder whether they will accomplish anything in their life other than the goal they set for themselves to "black out". These people usually have low self-esteem and could use a therapist. They use alcohol as a way to forget, although their drinking usually just turns them into a beast. This type of person will brag about all of the failures in his or her life, but then go on to claim he is smarter than most people....which isn't true. He will make claims like "I could do that" but never actually attempts to do anything. Sure, this kid may get some girls, but they all come to find that his penis is just as short as his memory and just as drunk, too. After two margaritas, these guys are blacked out and making even more irrational claims then they did before. They think they are witty, but really they just get laughed at until they fall asleep and end up apologizing in the morning. I guess that's life.
I'm more macho than you are, bro.
These are the guys that always have to try and one-up those around him and prove that he is really the alpha male. After several comments about how big his wang is, he will grab some inferior male friend and put him in an obnoxious headlock so that everyone can see his demonstration of masculinity. He'll brag about how many girls he's banged (and left unsatisfied), that time he got arrested, and he'll even brag about that time he totally totaled his car. These guys are more confused than a little boy who thinks he should be a little girl. They usually have some sort of issue with their immediate family, which causes them to act out violently and womanize. Don't feel sorry for these types because although they are just insecure little puppies inside, they come off as vulgar and disruptive as Godzilla. You're best bet is to stay away from these creatures....especially when they're in heat.
Oh my god! Girl I missed you so much!
On to the female side of the spectrum....these are the girls you meet once or twice through a mutual friend and all of a sudden they act like you are their best friend...forever. These girls are secretly comparing themselves to all the girls around them constantly. They will justify their imperfections by pointing out imperfections in others and most importantly they want as many people to like them as possible so they can appear to be popular, although annoying and ignorant would be better adjectives to use. These girls show up at parties they weren't invited to and then proceed to hug everyone in the room. They are the girls that are obviously flirting with your boyfriend when you are in the room, but you're not even worried about it because she looks like a member of the cast of Shrek. However, somewhere in your heart you feel bad for this girl because she is so obviously desperate and has 3,000 friends on her Myspace (where she appears to be attractive). You feel sorry for her because you remember that time at the pool in high school when everyone saw her tampon string hanging out...so you let her hang out with your friend just because you know it will give her something to update her Facebook status about.
Check out my titties!! Aren't they great?
These are the girls who somehow convinced their parents that implants were a good idea. They went from a small modest size breast to something that looks like it came out of a horror movie. These girls appear to be pregnant, but not in their stomach, their boobs look swollen sore and yes, preggo. You have to operate with care around these girls because one slip of a fork or misuse of a key could deflate their boobs and send them on a wild ride in the sky. These girls of course are always open and honest about their implants...not like people wouldn't have noticed anyways. They usually don't realize at first how trashy their abnormal breasts make them look and even if they did they probably wouldn't admit it. They play off the stereotype that everyone wants to touch a fake boob and will ask you if you do. If ever asked to grab an overly-large sore looking breast, always pass. There is nothing good that can come from grabbing a sandbag. This girl's friends are always like "OMG you have the best boobs" and she's always like "OMG I Know, right." The best part about these girls is that they will claim to know things like politics and sports...not that they couldn't, but chances are they just Googled enough information to stuff into their hooters to start a conversation with some frat boy and his wiener.
Next time you run into any one of these people be sure to just smile and nod, but also remember every detail. Then go home and blog about it.
Stay Hard Chicago,
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