Halloween Costumes: the good the bad and the slutty.

Today I realized I have been doing myself and the citizens of the United States a great disservice. I have not been committed to my duties as a blogger. I have not let my perverted and immature thoughts enter the minds of others. I have not allowed my witty comments to resonate with my peers. For that I am sorry.


Today's topic is Halloween, specifically Halloween costumes. There are many different types of Halloween costumes. However, I'll try to make fun of them by category.


What are you supposed to be?

These are the costumes that aren't self explanatory. You have to engage in conversation with the person in order to figure out what they're supposed to be. You could say, that in a way, these costumes defeat the purpose of a costume because the costume could be seen as normal attire. For example, take a man dressed in dress pants and a tie carrying a suit case. What the hell is this guy supposed to be? Well he could be a lawyer, business man, or just on his way home from work. Then when you finally ask the loser what he is he goes "look at the suit and the red tie..I'm the president of the United States.." then you just stare at them like "ohh now I get it." And walk away wishing you had never engaged in conversation with someone who thinks putting on a suit equates being the president of the United States. Like first off Obama doesn't buy his suits from Sears and second off the least you could have done was go tanning or wear a Obama mask to get into character a little more. You could have at least walked around with a delicious treat and made this face... 

U.S. President Barack Obama eats a donut during a stop in Seattle, Washington October 21, 2010. Obama is on a four-day, five-state swing to support Democrats in the upcoming election. REUTERS/Kevin Lamarque (UNITED STATES - Tags: POLITICS FOOD SOCIETY ENTERTAINMENT)

Girl, You Look So HOT!


These are the costumes that I enjoy making fun of the most. A reason for girls to walk around half dressed and show off there hot bodies and paid for breasts and call it a costume. Ass, boobs, belly, vagina..let it all hang out and it's acceptable..because it's Halloween. Basically you can take any sort of costume and make it slutty. For instance , I want to be a police officer for Halloween. Now one would think, wow what a cool costume. There would be a lot of things you could do with that. A gun, uniform, hat, bullet proof vest, black shoes, a badge...that could really be an intense costume. But, NO, we have little loosey gooses that walk around with black booty shorts, a black belly shirt, and a leather coat (along with some sexually suggestive hand cuffs) and claim to be "cops". No girlfriend, you are not a cop, what you are is a whore. Or even better think of any respectable position women hold in society for example, a nurse. A profession where you can be responsible for helping the edlery and sick, taking blood, or cleaning babies, is degraded to some sort of sexual occupation. "Oh, sir. You look sick let me check you penis." Throw on some knee high nylons and a short white v-neck dress and all of a sudden you're a nurse. But the thing is...you're not a nurse..you're a moron. Another profession like a teacher. An occupation that is under paid and under valued in our society can be summed up with a sexy cardigan and some wide frame glasses. These costumes are stupid and require no real thought at all. So I beg you..think outside the box this Halloween and don't let your issues with your father be subconsciously reflected in your choice of slutty attire. However, if you can't fight your urge to let your light shine through, at least use some of the most popular sluts as inspiration. 

46208, LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA - Friday October 15 2010. Paris Hilton arrives at Cleo restaurant to meet her boyfriend CY Waits and her sister Nicky for dinner. Bad boy Cy sneaked in the back door of the eatery. Photograph:  Hellmuth Dominguez, PacificCoastNews.com

A distraught looking Britney Spears attempted to hide her face from the shutterbugs on October 11, 2010 while out on a shopping spree in the Beverly Hills area of California with her trusted bodyguards by her side. As no surprise Brit was out shopping for todays outfit and accessories which she found at Envie. Spears didn't seem to be in a good mood as she ventured over to the local Starbucks for a drink with smeared make up, could she have been in tears for some reason or just another day in the life of Britney? The pop princess then made her way over to De Beers jewelry store where she showed off her extensions after pulling her hair up into a ponytail while inside but let it down as she made her exit. The pop princess has been hard at work on a new album and its rumored to be the next big thing.  Fame Pictures, Inc



OMG! Dude, You Are So Funny!

There are the obnoxiously offensive or just retarded costumes. They aren't witty or original. This is the guy that comes to the Halloween Party dressed as a giant penis. Like, oh I get it ..you're supposed to be a dick..cool. I bet it took a lot of "hard" work to think that one up.

            Or someone who shows up as a giant banana. I'm not sure what humor inspired that type of costume, but it doesn't hit my funny bone. My favorite are the doctor costumes that have name tags that are perverted. Like Dr. Seymour Vagina. Haha, okay so you're a doctor and you like vagina.  Or the F.B. I. agent..that is The Federal Booby Inspector. Or the person who paints their skin black and puts on a dread lock wig and acts like Lil Wayne or Lil John. These people think they're going to make a big splash at the big Halloween party, but after the initial reaction  to their costume...it kind of just fades to the background and they're left with the realization that they have to walk around as a giant wang for the rest of the night.



That's all the time I have for today! I hope I inspired you to dig deep for this year's Halloween costume...or at least insulted you a little bit!


Stay Hard Chicago,


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Tags: boys, costumes, girls, halloween, penis

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