I Judge You By Your Luggage

One of the things that I enjoy doing while at O'Hare is people watching. In between watching attractive women wearing form-fitting pajamas and the interesting sartorial styling of others, I tend to check out people's luggage. I've learned in my million ass-in-seat miles in the last 8 years that it's the quickest way to stereotype your fellow passengers.

Tumi Luggage: Everyone lusts after Tumi because it's "the" luggage to prove that you're super important. It's also the number one sign of douchebaggery on an airplane. It says "I'm a consultant and a 'road warrior'" (and by "road warrior" they mean braving the lines at the Hertz rental counter and complaining about how their low/mid tier status doesn't earn them upgrades. You will notice that their luggage most likely doesn't contain any fancy airline status tags. These folks are the ones that will most likely go ballistic on airline staff and flight attendants.

Sassy Luggage Tags: Well, aren't you expressing your individuality? The thing is that they're not that funny and are most likely to get destroyed on the conveyor belt.  They also tell me that the person who has them doesn't fly a lot, and will probably be that obnoxious drunk at 35,000 feet.

Gym Bags: For the most part, they're going to be cool and laid back. They'll wait to complain after they're out of earshot from anyone who matters, and will just drown their sorrows by cranking up the volume on their iPods. Attention guys: Every hot girl wearing sweats carrying gym bags on a plane already has a boyfriend. It's sad but true.

Beat-up Black Rolling Luggage: This is the sign of a real traveler. Look for airline loyalty tags, stickers from foreign airports and battle scars. These are the hardcore travelers who are at the top of the upgrade waitlist and irritate "road warriors." They're pretty laid back for the most par. They tend to be the ones who have a drink, nap, then wake up somewhere else and be in a perpetual state of fog.

Luggage in paper bags: This won't end well.

Just as you can't run off being ugly, you can't buy class. This is especially true when it comes to luggage.

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