A Conversation Between Shaun White and Robert DeNiro

The following conversation was inspired by this photo:

Shaun White: Mr. DeNiro, I’m like so honored to meet you right now.

Robert DeNiro: Nice to meet you too.

SW: I’m such a huge fan of all your movies. Analyze This, Meet the Parents, Killer Elite…

RDN: Thanks.

SW: Yeah, whenever I get nervous before a run at like, the X-Games, I totally stream Meet the Fockers and it calms the chi.

RDN: X-Games, huh. You some kinda….sport guy?

SW: I board.

RDN: Board, huh. Wuddya mean, board?

SW: Board! Like (mimes snowboarding).

RDN: I don’t get it.

SW: Snowboarding, chief!

RDN: Chief? Do I look like a Chief?  Do you see me wearing a hat and cooking a rigatoni asparagus quiche?

SW: That’s a chef.

RDN: You some kinda wiseguy?

SW: No. Sorry. No offense, Mr. DeNiro.

RDN: (starts chuckling) No offense! This guy ova here with the no offense. Come’ere you! (RDN grabs SW’s cheeks and gives them a playful slap). If I were offended, you would know that I was offended. I would say that I was offended. Did I say that I was offended?

SW: No?

RDN: Exactly.

(Silence)

SW: I think I see some mini hot-dogs over there…

RDN: You gotta red mop sitting right there on the top of your head.

SW: It’s rad.

RDN: Did I say it wasn’t red?

SW: No, I said rad.

RDN: Are you correcting me? Are you saying I said something that I didn’t say? Or that I heard something that you didn’t say? Are you saying that I heard something you said that wasn’t what you said and then asked you about what you didn’t say thinking it was what you said?

SW: (Silent)

RDN: (Smiling) I’m just fuckin wich you!

SW: (Breathes sigh of relief)

(A hot model comes up to Shaun)

Model: Hey Shaun, which after party you going to?

SW: Probably the one at Hyde. I dunno yet.

Model: Text me.

(Model exits)

RDN: (smiling and nodding) That’s a good looking woman. Goood looking woman.

SW: Yeah, she’s alright.

RDN: (Pause) You ever eh…(raises an eyebrow)

SW: What?

RDN: You ever eh…(continues to raise eyebrow and rotates neck)

SW: Oh, you mean fucked her?Not…yet.

RDN: Not yet! Not yet! This guy ovahere with the yets! Love this guy. Alright, get the hell outta here. Fucking Carrot Top. Hilarious.

SW: I’m not Carrot Top.

RDN: Are you correcting me?

SW: No sir.

RDN: Good. Now take your props and get the hell outta here.

(Shaun exits).

RDN: (Takes a deep breath and exhales.) New York City.

 

SCENE

 

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