With the Oscars airing live tonight, I thought I’d lay out my alternate reality Oscar telecast:
7:00- Billy Crystal inserts himself into movies montage
- First, Billy talking to a group of thugs delivering the opening speech from Drive. “You give me a time and a place, I give you a five minute window. Anything happens in that five minutes and I'm yours. No matter what. Anything happens a minute either side of that and you're on your own.” Then he rests his cheek on his hand and smiles toothlessly. BILLY’S BACK!
- We are transported to a scene from Hangover Part 2, where Zach - Galifinakis wakes up and sees a tiny penis. We pan out and it turns out to belong to BILLY CRYSTAL!
- We are transported to a scene from Twilight: Breaking Dawn. Bella is having birth, and instead of a vampire baby coming out of her vagina, it’s BILLY CRYSTAL!
- We see BILLY CRYSTAL wearing a Hawaiian shirt running around in flip-flops a la The Descendents. He runs into two dinosaurs fighting a la The Tree of Life. He does his Sammy Davis Jr. impression and the dinosaurs are not amused. He segues into his killer Muhammad Ali impression. Still, the dinosaurs are not amused. He tells them they look “mahvelous,” and the dinosaurs laugh. Billy Crystal rests his cheek on his hand and gives that patented toothless smile again.
- We are transported to a scene from The Help where Octavia Spencer gives the white bitch her doo-doo pie. She’s eating it and saying how delicious it is. She looks down again and realizes, she’s eating BILLY CRYSTAL!
- Shot of the kid from War Horse riding BILLY CRYSTAL who is on all fours and making puns about how hard it is being a horse. Sample:
- “Hay man, this hurts!”
- “What’s a guy gotta do to get a little hay around here!”
- “Alright, I’m calling foal play”
- We see a shot from Moneyball of the guy from Parks and Rec hitting the game winning home run and we follow the ball as it flies through the air. The ball has BILLY CRYSTAL’S face on it. Billy makes a joke about Angelina Jolie.
- We see a montage of the most graphic scenes from The Girl in the Dragon Tattoo, all involving BILLY CRYSTAL, who makes insider Hollywood jokes. Sample:
- “So this is what happens when you piss off Harvey Weinstein.”
- “If this is what it takes to get Michael Bay to cast me in Transformers 4, count me out!”
- “Nikki Finke’s Fight Club sure is fun!”
- Finally, we have a shot of Uggie the dog from The Artist who barks while the subtitle says, “Please welcome your host for this year’s Academy Awards, BILLY CRYSTAL!”
7:07- Billy does an opening number with funny original music and lyrics. In the number he says something really nice about Meryl Streep. We cut to Meryl, blushing. He says something comparing Jean Dejuardian to Roberto Benigni. We cut to Jean, shrugging his shoulders. He says something about how handsome George Clooney is. We cut to George. He smiles, smugly. End of number.
7:15- Opening monologue. Billy goes around telling people how mahvelous they look. He makes a joke about catching Gary Oldman sleeping with Albert Nobbs. We cut to Glenn Close, blushing. He asks Rooney Mara how painful it was, getting her nipples pierced. We cut to Rooney, blushing. He makes a joke about Nick Nolte not realizing that he was actually being filmed in a movie, because that’s just the way Nick Nolte acts. Cut to Nick Nolte, grimacing. On to the awards.
7:30- Supporting Actor Awards. By accident, the camera zooms in on Max Von Sydow when they announce Christopher Plummer had won. Christopher Plummer is also in the bathroom as he just had an “accident.” Max Von Sydow accepts the award anyway. No one notices.
7:40- Supporting Actress Awards. In the nominee “montage” we see clips of Octavia Spencer serving doo-doo pie and Melissa McCarthy vomiting. They forget to include clips of the other nominees. When they announce that Melissa wins, she jokingly pretends to poo in her dress. In fact, as a gag planned beforehand, ALL the best supporting actress nominees pretend to poo in their dresses. Then they cut to Ron Howard, because they think that he’ll look especially disappointed that his daughter didn’t win, because they forgot that nominee Jessica Chastain is not Bryce Dallas Howard, his daughter.
8:00- A bunch of technical awards are given out. HP7:P2 (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows: Part II) wins all of them, except for best Art Direction, which goes to The Smurfs.
9:00- Andy Serkis wins a special award for his performance as all the horses in War Horse.
9:05- Billy Crystal comes out with Zac Efron. They make jokes about their age differences.
9:08- Andy Serkis wins another special award for his performance as all the penguins in Mr. Popper’s Penguins.
9:15- A bunch more technical awards are given out. Big Momma’s House 3 and Jack and Jill tie for Best Makeup. Also Bad Teacher’s prosthetic designer gets “honorable mention” for his work on Cameron Diaz’s face.
9:30- The Muppets rock the house with their performance of “Man or Muppet.” The live performance features cameos by past Oscar winners, Mo’Nique, Christian Bale, and Joe Pesci. Then George Lopez comes out and sings the other nominated song, “Real in Rio!” unaccompanied. He gets no applause and is escorted out by security who discovers that Mr. Lopez had knocked out and drugged Sergio Mendes and the entire band, who were supposed to perform the song.
9:40- Robin Williams and Whoopi Goldberg join Billy Crystal for a “bit.” They banter extremely successfully and use it as a launch pad to announce their new Comic Relief Tour! The “In Memoriam” sequence follows.
10:00- Billy Crystal says, “Hey, at least this show isn’t as long as Tree of Life!” Terrence Mallick walks out in protest.
10:02- Announce winners to Best Song—“How We Roll (We Roll Like This)” by Don Omar ft. Busta Rhymes, Reek da Villain and J-doe from Fast Five. Also, Best Score—New Year’s Eve—music by P!nk. The score of that film is just the song “Raise Your Glass” repeated over and over again.
10:15- The kids from Modern Family reveal the winner for Best Animated Film: Drive Angry 3D. For those who didn't know, that film was made with Nicholas Cage in a motion-capture suit playing the part of Nicholas Cage. Best Animated Short went to Something Pixar Did.
10:20- Foreign Language Film- Tom Hardy as Bane’s dialogue in the new Dark Knight Rises trailer.
10:22- Documentary- Thor. Short Form Documentary- The first 20 minutes of Footloose.
10:30- The stars of Rango introduce the nominees for Best Original Screenplay. The winner is Midnight in Paris. Woody Allen is not present, but Jeremy Lin accepts the award on his behalf. Camera zooms in on a disappointed Kristin Wiig seemingly pooing in her pants. Best Adapted Screenplay goes to Gnomeo and Juliet, based on the film Romeo and Juliet directed by Baz Luhrman, based on the play, Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare.
10:35- Billy Crystal senses the audience is getting restless. He does his bluesy-Satchmo impression. It brings the house down.
10:50- Russell Brand and Ricky Gervais introduce the Best Actress Award. One of them accidentally says the c-word. It is bleeped but in the press, it will be the dominant moment of the entire evening. The winner is revealed to be….Viola Davis. Next year, Meryl Streep will win for her performance as “Gracious 17-time Oscar nominee who lost for the 15th time.”
11:00- A Jack Nicholson impersonator presents the award for Best Actor, which goes to…GEORGE CLOONEY. He gets onstage and says that as much as he appreciates the award, it deserves to go to his best pal, Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt gets on stage and says he appreciates the gesture, but it belongs to his bestest friend George. They continue to compliment each other, until Demian Bichir takes it. And then gives it to Bryan Cranston, for his performance in Breaking Bad. Cause let’s face it. He’s the BEST ACTOR.
11:05- Ivan Reitman and Will Gluck, the directors of No Strings Attached and Friends with Benefits, respectively, announce Best Director. It is revealed to be….the guy who did The Artist! He is speechless. Literally. He cannot speak. Audience cannot tell if this is a “bit,” like an homage to his movie, or if he does not posses the power of speaking. Everyone is uncomfortable.
11:15- Uggie, the dog from The Artist, and Cosmo, the dog from Beginners, announce the Best Picture winner. It is….Tower Heist! Brett Ratner and Eddie Murphy come onstage and talk about how their telecast would have been shorter because Eddie Murphy is a much faster talker, how there would have been a lot more surprises because they wouldn’t have rehearsed, and how they would have made a lot more 48 Hrs. references because Nick Nolte was in the crowd.
11:20- Billy Crystal thanks everyone for coming. And then for good measure, rests his cheek on his hand, toothlessly smiling, one…last…time.