Top 5 Places to Get an STD in Chicago

Top 5 Places to Get an STD in Chicago

If you went out for a lovely evening in Chicago and came home with an unwanted visitor in your pants, there's a very high probability you were at one of these 5 places:

5. Murphy's Bleachers.  If cheap wings and Jaegarbombs sound like a sweet way to watch the Cubs lose with your friends, imagine adding a little home run action back at your sick 400 square foot studio that overlooks Wrigley.  She'll be enamored with your high level of sophistication as you shout predictably when the Cubs mess up.  Good for you, besides her booby hugging pink "C" tee, she knows nothing about baseball.  Its about as easy to get laid after this bar as it is filling a song request for the latest Gotye "Somebody That I Used to Know" mashup.  Word of caution- if burning pee the next day is not what you ordered you won't get a refund.

4. The CTA.  If you've ever passed out on the red line and woken up at 95th, #4 is pretty obvious.  If you do manage to avoid getting raped, you'll be so happy that before you even make it home your sluttiest 4am drunk dial will already be waiting outside your apartment.  As luck would have it, both scenarios achieve the same result: a cloudy discharge.

3. The Beach.  Its 1,000 degrees and you want nothing more than the cooling waters of Lake Michigan to wash over your body while you sip vodka lemonades with your friends.  After two L transfers, a bus ride, and a half mile walk, you're finally there.... Unfortunately, 30,000 other people had the same idea.   You make the best of it and take a dip in the water while trying to ignore the fact you're wading 7 inches from a wet diaper.  Whether by virtue of bathing in a cesspool or laying around in a moist nylon bathing suit, one fact is certain your body has become the perfect breeding ground for disease and... anal itching.

2. Duffy's.  You finally graduated to your own apartment and decided it was time to get something in a classier part of town.  $10 bucket Tuesdays with the guys has become part of your routine.  You love showing up at Duffy's in your suit with your tie undone.  It sounds cool to tell people, "I'm a lawyer".   Fortunately, chicks also dig it, which is why you now have a Valtrex prescription with unlimited refills.

1.  Lollapalooza.  Its been a few weeks now, your hangover has finally passed and you've been trying to convince yourself that itchy red spot on your crotch is just an ingrown hair.  While you spent the weekend of August 4th incoherently listening to your favorite bands you also hid out from the cops in a port-o-let during the rain-out and woke up next to a stranger you met while writhing in a mud pit.   If this sounds anything like your weekend, we've got a pretty good suspicion your next sold out ticket will be to the STD clinic. Get it fast and you might get a twofer.


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  • Do you speak from experience?

  • Dodged a few bullets, i guess


  • why thank you, kind sir! Glad you enjoyed it

  • so, I took lightweight offense to this, specifically to the reference about falling asleep on the Red Line...which ALL Chicagoans know takes you becomes what you good clean and wholesome white folks would consider "dangerous" past er...let's say....Cellular Field? (55th/Garfield for the more racially adventurous).

    I get it...its a joke...and you listed some other dive bars and hipster hangouts to balance it out and give the appearance of equanimity....

    But at the end of the kinda come off like a douchebag who lives in your little goldfish bowl of a world that rarely if ever extends to the South and/or Westside of Chicago

    Don't feel bad, do 99.9999% of the other White Folks I meet every day. It's not that you're being a racist....its just that you're being typical and its disappointing.

    Sincerely yours,

    Token McNegro, Esq

  • Please see the disclaimer. This article is only intended for humor. You should check out to see how some of the most "wholesome white folks" are also dealt with in my writing.

    Now, when you write an article "Top 5 places to get an STD in Chicago", you know that you are going to offend people, but I find this odd..

    What I find odd is that you are the one that mentions "white folks", and my "goldfish bowl" of a world, and all the other "white folks", which is over the top presumptuous and openly discriminatory considering this is but one piece of my writing. If you found my writing as somehow racially discriminatory, I do apologize.

    Bear in mind that the locations I selected are popular, well-known locations in order for readers to more broadly understand where I'm talking about, as well as add irony.

    I won't apologize for being a Cubs fan (murphy's). The other places happen to come from my experience, being it my blog and article. They also happen to be in the most populated part of Chicago, in ethnically-diverse neighborhoods.

    I don't know the other white folks that you socialize with, and I'm sorry that you find 99.9999% distasteful. If you're looking for a place to voice displeasure with "white folks", then I'm okay with that. But your claim is that I didn't encompass those parts of Chicago, therefore you know me. You don't know me, as much as I don't know you. And from the sound of it, I'd have a .0001% chance of making it on your friends' list, being that I'm white.

    Thanks for the comments.

  • gbus7....what's ironic is that....when I shared your article with my wife (also Black)...she understood what i was getting at immediately and said I handled my response well.

    I understand humor. I understand race. And more importantly...I understand perception.

    Before you continue...I'm just going to ask you a quick question: What does the demographic extending from 35th and The Dan Ryan out to 95th and the Dan Ryan most largely consist of?

    Answer: African Americans

    So...when you crack a joke about making it to the 95th and Dan Ryan stop w/o getting raped (and also considering it was one of the ONLY part of your blog that you'll really find Black people)....what's the 1st image that most of us who take that line daily think of? be fair man....(and I promise...I'm not trying to nitpick...this is open and honest discourse to me) maybe the threat of rape was downtown. Maybe Chinatown. a person who rides that line frequently...if you could see the sheer horror of the (mostly) White people who fell asleep on the way to Cellular Field and are now pulling up on Marquette...or 87th Street....then you'd probably understand why i took offense.

    The truth is that Chicago is broken up into very specific socio/economic/racial boundaries...and often one doesn't know much about the others.

    In rereading my response...I will admit to being of a prick. I reverted to my defense mecanism....sarcasm...and the same type of generalization I felt I was reading.

    As for my'd be surprised how diverse that group is. As I'm sure yours is...but maybe you felt you were being attacked and reverted to sarcasm I'll let that one slide.

    Be well


  • In reply to iamdvsj:

    PS the only thing I'll never be able to forgive you for is being a Cubs fan. :)


  • In reply to iamdvsj:

    Thanks for your cogent, well thought out comments. I love to engage with people that I can tell have given their statements a lot of thought. I understand your contention, but I ask that you understand that we both look at it from our respective parts of the city.

    From my part of the city, to end up in that part of the town after a drunken sleep would be a mistake. I don't mean that because if you go to that part of town you'd be raped, but to be in the condition to fall asleep and ride an L train that far away from where I live would be a mistake and would certainly mean you're in a condition where something bad would happen to you.

    I also have a very diverse friend group, so I challenged you back because I didn't like the feeling that I'd somehow slighted a race, culture, etc. That being said, it is a satirical blog, and from time to time comedy everywhere takes on race and gender, sensitive topics because they are shocking and funny.

    Please don't hold me too accountable for being a Cubs fan, or as most baseball fans would point out, a "willful loser"


  • I am shocked just 5?

  • You should go back to sixth grade and learn the difference between "it's" and "its".

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