If you went out for a lovely evening in Chicago and came home with an unwanted visitor in your pants, there's a very high probability you were at one of these 5 places:
5. Murphy's Bleachers. If cheap wings and Jaegarbombs sound like a sweet way to watch the Cubs lose with your friends, imagine adding a little home run action back at your sick 400 square foot studio that overlooks Wrigley. She'll be enamored with your high level of sophistication as you shout predictably when the Cubs mess up. Good for you, besides her booby hugging pink "C" tee, she knows nothing about baseball. Its about as easy to get laid after this bar as it is filling a song request for the latest Gotye "Somebody That I Used to Know" mashup. Word of caution- if burning pee the next day is not what you ordered you won't get a refund.
4. The CTA. If you've ever passed out on the red line and woken up at 95th, #4 is pretty obvious. If you do manage to avoid getting raped, you'll be so happy that before you even make it home your sluttiest 4am drunk dial will already be waiting outside your apartment. As luck would have it, both scenarios achieve the same result: a cloudy discharge.
3. The Beach. Its 1,000 degrees and you want nothing more than the cooling waters of Lake Michigan to wash over your body while you sip vodka lemonades with your friends. After two L transfers, a bus ride, and a half mile walk, you're finally there.... Unfortunately, 30,000 other people had the same idea. You make the best of it and take a dip in the water while trying to ignore the fact you're wading 7 inches from a wet diaper. Whether by virtue of bathing in a cesspool or laying around in a moist nylon bathing suit, one fact is certain your body has become the perfect breeding ground for disease and... anal itching.
2. Duffy's. You finally graduated to your own apartment and decided it was time to get something in a classier part of town. $10 bucket Tuesdays with the guys has become part of your routine. You love showing up at Duffy's in your suit with your tie undone. It sounds cool to tell people, "I'm a lawyer". Fortunately, chicks also dig it, which is why you now have a Valtrex prescription with unlimited refills.
1. Lollapalooza. Its been a few weeks now, your hangover has finally passed and you've been trying to convince yourself that itchy red spot on your crotch is just an ingrown hair. While you spent the weekend of August 4th incoherently listening to your favorite bands you also hid out from the cops in a port-o-let during the rain-out and woke up next to a stranger you met while writhing in a mud pit. If this sounds anything like your weekend, we've got a pretty good suspicion your next sold out ticket will be to the STD clinic. Get it fast and you might get a twofer.