How to Fail at Thanksgiving (But Still Make it Awesome!)

Hopefully, you're almost ready for Thanksgiving, whether you're hosting the Big Meal at your house, or gracing someone else with your presence. If not, you better get on the ball, because today is Thanksgiving. So, if you're not ready, get to work.

(After you read this!)

Prioritizing tasks is one of those things that appears on every list of How to Succeed at Thanksgiving. If you've ever planned a Thanksgiving meal at your house you're familiar with these lists. Make a plan. Get organized. Have guests bring a dish. Accept help. Blah, blah, blah. Those lists are boring.

Perhaps, boring is too strong of a word. Let's say…uninspired.

You're not boring or uninspired though, are you? Of course not! So instead of another boring, uninspired Thanksgiving, strive for an exciting, awe-inspiring Thanksgiving.

"Brett, it's Thanksgiving morning. I've already made my plans. I'm not making things more complicated just because you say so."

I understand your hesitation, but once you read this list, you're totally going to be on board. Trust me. Now, without further ado: How to Fail at Thanksgiving (But Still Make it Awesome!).

--Rearrange your seating chart. Maybe you put a lot of thought into where everyone would sit in an effort to assure tranquility. Forget that. If you've got a relative that owns a Make America Great Again hat, and one who bought Michelle Obama's book, seat them next to each other and see what happens.

--The turkey. There are a million ways to a cook a turkey. Every chef (professional and home) is sure that their way is the best. But if you really want to avoid a dry, chewy, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation-style turkey, I've got two words for you: medium rare. Try it. I bet no one complains that it's dry.

--Half portions. Make half as much food as you planned. Then, when guests fill their plates, mumble to yourself, but so everyone can hear, "I hope there's enough to go around."

--Decide that the tablecloth clashes with the rest of the décor after you've brought all of the food to the table. Insist on changing the tablecloth. "I like the other one better." Change it back.

--Alcohol. Chances are you're serving alcohol, but I bet it's not enough. I mean, if we're going to find out what Aunt Nancy really thinks of Uncle Frank it's going to take more than half a glass of pinot.

--You're Squanto. Repeatedly ask your guests if they know how to grow corn. If they don't, offer to teach them. If they do, tell them they're doing it wrong.

--Christmas is right around the corner. Instead of saying, "Happy Thanksgiving", refer to the day as "Christmas Kickoff" and say that you're thankful for all the cool stuff you're getting in just 33 days.

--Hand out awards for Loudest Chewer, Most Inane Comment, Messiest Eater, Biggest Glutton, and anything else that seems apropos.

--Remind everyone that this is the 55th anniversary of JFK's assassination. Serve a bowl of spaghetti with a chunky tomato sauce and keep referring to it as brains.

--If you've got football fans among your guests, wait until a critical moment of the game, and flip the circuit breaker to the television.

--Serve a salad with romaine lettuce. When your guests tell you about the recall, declare it Fake News, and call the CDC a "bunch of sweet-toothed wimps."

--At the end of the meal, look at all of your guests, shake your head, and say, "I've got to find better friends."

Now, you might end up with some guests who complain about how Thanksgiving unfolded this year. You might hear them say things like, "You ruined the day!" or "I'm never coming here again." Or "What the hell's wrong with you?"

Never mind them. They're too caught up in the present day to realize the impact that you've made. You've given them something more important than a meal they'll forget by Black Friday. You've given them gift of eternity.

Everyone will remember this Thanksgiving forever!

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