In case you thought that the president might have regretted threatening “fire and fury” upon North Korea, you needn’t worry. The next day Kim Jong Trump told reporters that he thought maybe his words weren’t tough enough.
In referring to North Korea, the president said, “They’ve been doing this to our country for a long time, for many years, and it’s about time that somebody stuck up for the people of this country and for the people of other countries.”
Oh, I misunderstood. The president’s threatening war because he’s just sticking up for us. Great. I feel so safe. So defended. With “friends” like him, who needs enemies?
I’m not going to trash the president though. I’m going to do something that appears to be outside of his skill set: I’m going to problem solve.
Regardless of previous actions, leadership, agreements, and violations, the basic problem that the world faces today is that narcissistic, egomaniacal, short-sighted mad men are in charge of both North Korea and the United States, and both of these men have nuclear weapons at their disposal.
It’s possible that the president could lose his temper, send an early-morning tweet, piss off his mad man counterpart, and launch us into a nuclear holocaust. And, of course, all of this would happen from the comfort of his gaudy gold-plated resort at Bedminster, and he’d be safe. Meanwhile, the little guy in North Korea can lob a missile toward Guam or L.A. or Chicago, and tens of thousands of innocent people would die.
All because two intellectually small men with bad haircuts have decided to have a pissing match.
Who are the real losers in all of this? The citizens of North Korea and the United States.
When Muhammad Ali resisted being drafted during the Vietnam War he said, “I ain’t got no quarrel with them Vietcong.” I feel the same about North Korea. I’ve never met a North Korean, but I imagine they’re good people. They’ve had the terrific bad luck of being born into a country with horrific leadership, but that’s not their fault.
And I would hope that some 39-year-old dad in Pyongyang doesn’t hate me just because I’m an American. He doesn’t want Trump to kill him and I don’t want Kim Jong Un to kill me.
So what to do?
Instead of using the armies, and weapons, and citizens of their countries as the ammunition for their battles of insecurity, I propose that we demand that Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump settle this mano a mano, hand to hand, man to man.
Donald Trump’s going to stickup for me? Great. He can get his ass in the ring and beat the shit out of Kim Jong Un.
Just imagine, Trump could promote it as the biggest fight ever. No fight has ever been bigger than that fight. I can hear it now: “People say that the duel between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr was the biggest duel in history, but just wait until I totally destroy Kim Jong Un. I’ll beat him down like he’s never been beat down before.”
Trump’s most-liked tweet since taking office is the ridiculous video from his wrestling days that is doctored to show him attacking CNN. If more than six hundred thousand people liked that tweet, imagine how many people would like to see him pummel Kim Jong Un.
They could setup a wrestling ring enclosed in a steel cage. Two men go in. Only one makes it out. And the winner gets to gloat for the rest of his life, which should have great appeal for a man who can’t stop gloating about winning an election in which he received fewer votes.
With its recent focus in the news, it only makes sense to stage the showdown in Guam. Kim Jong Un might object since Guam is part of America, and thus Trump’s territory, but we could make him watch Rocky IV. If Rocky can win over the Soviet crowd, then Kim Jong Un can win over an American crowd in Guam, can’t he? Especially if the alternative is to cheer for Trump.
One more benefit of holding the match in Guam: coconuts! I suspect neither man has had many real, physical fights. So each man gets to bring one coconut into the ring with him to use as he sees fit. Just ask Gilligan how much damage a coconut to the head can do.
I have no doubt Trump can find someone willing to train him for the showdown. I’m sure Chuck Norris is a Trump fan. He can help. And Steven Seagal is now a citizen of Russia, and since Russians like to help Trump so much, I’m sure he’d help, too.
Whatever the outcome, we’ll know the real winners: the citizens of America and North Korea.
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