Google does many things well, but perhaps the thing they do best is store information. Even though you don’t realize it, Google collects little tidbits of information about every site you go to, including this blog.
And thanks to its Analytics tool, I can see a bunch of information about my readers. Don’t worry, there’s nothing here that can identify you specifically. Although I guess if you were the only person in a particular town with a Mac, I could see that someone using a Mac in your town went to my blog and I’d know it was you.
But really, what are the chances of that? So if you read my post about the correct way to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and you just can’t remember the instructions, then feel free to return to it every single day. I won’t know it’s you.
(Although if I did know it was you, I would make fun of you. I mean, how hard is it to make a PB&J?)
Anyway, I was messing around with some of the data and came across the list of countries from which people have accessed my blog over the past month. Much to my surprise, 94 different countries were represented. That’s almost half of the countries in the world.
The United States sent the most visitors, which, of course, is no surprise. And more than two-dozen countries had only one person who visited. Many thanks to that one person in Slovenia, Senegal, Suriname, El Salvadaor, Yemen, and many others.
But China surprised me the most. It has a population of 1.3 billion people, which means that almost one out of every six people on Earth is Chinese. 1.3 billion. That’s almost as many as attended the Cubs World Series parade and rally!
Yet, guess how many people from China read my blog last month. Zero. Not one. I’m 0-for-1.3 billion in China.
So what gives, China? Why do you hate Dry it in the Water?
It’s a cultural disconnect, isn’t it? You think I’m an idiot because I think I can dry something in the water, don’t you? I don’t blame you. It’s a weird name. But read the story of the name and you won’t think I’m an idiot. It’ll take reading some of the other 200-plus posts before you conclude that I’m an idiot.
Or was it my interview with North Korea’s leader, Kim Jong Un? Listen, I know that China and North Korea have been close in the past, and maybe you’re mad that I made fun of one of your country’s friends, but don’t use that as an excuse to avoid my blog. I just asked the guy questions everyone else wanted to know. I can see how calling him Jonny Gun might seem disrespectful, but, honestly, how can anyone with that haircut expect respect?
Good lord, I hope it’s not because I wasted all that food when I was a kid. I mean, I knew there were starving people in your country, but I was only eight-years-old. What the hell was I supposed to do? Believe me, if I could have put my broccoli in a FedEx envelope and sent it to you, I totally would have.
If only my mom would have said, “Don’t throw that away, there are starving people in China, and they won’t read your blog if you waste food.” At least then I would have known!
Or did you hear about my trip to Chinatown over the summer? Yes, my sons and I spent an evening walking around Chinatown, hunting for Pokemon, but I swear we were respectful. We obeyed the No Pictures Please signs that hung in one of the shops, and my sons enjoyed seeing your culture even more than catching rare Pokemon. Chinatown is more than just an important Pokestop to them, honest.
So come on, China. Read what I have to say. And please, tell your neighbors. Word-of-mouth works much quicker when there are 1.3 billion mouths.
For the record, I’m well aware that the great people of China can’t read this blog due to the ridiculous censorship they’re subject to at the hands of their government. But there’s no way I could have written an entire blog post about that.
Plus, the thought of 1.3 billion people from the other side of the Earth hating me so much they won’t even click on my blog just makes me laugh. So let me have my illusion, okay?
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