Some Questions for President Trump

Only fifty-three days until Donald Trump is president of the United States. When nine-year-old Brett was watching Wrestlemania IV—which Trump sponsored at his resort in Atlantic City—on closed-circuit television at the old International Ampitheatre, I don’t think anyone in the crowd would have believed that the words President and Trump would go together.

He was a joke. Sort of the quintessential 1980s billionaire who wasn’t legitimate enough to turn away from wrestling and the spotlight that it brought. I remember watching an interview with him during Wrestlemania IV and thinking, “This guy’s an idiot.” And I was nine!

In the twenty-eight years since then, he hasn’t become less idiotic. However, he has become president.

And besides the obvious question—how the hell did this happen?—I’ve got some other things I'll ask Donny if I ever run into him.

When you decided to run for president, you intended it to be a publicity stunt, didn’t you?

When did you begin to marvel at how many people were voting for you?

When did you begin to think you could win? When did you begin to worry that you might win? On election night, when you discovered that you had won, did you hyperventilate?

Do you have any idea what you’re going to do now?

Did you ever consider dropping out of the race?

You were trying to lose the election, right?

Each time you said something crazy you expected your poll numbers to tank, didn’t you?

When you meet the people who voted for you, do you ever say, “What the fuck is wrong with these people?”

Did you leak the tapes of you and Billy Bush? You did, didn’t you? Was it one last-ditch effort to get yourself out of this mess?

How much of your own rhetoric do you actually believe? Are you worried that now you have to lead a country in which 60 million people believe in the very ideas that you thought were just jokes?

Did you film this whole thing? Is this all one big, long season of The Apprentice? Do we get to tell you, “You’re fired?”

How much do you know about governing? Any idea how many members are in the House of Representatives? If you and Mike Pence both have to resign in disgrace on the same day, do you know who would become president? How ‘bout if that guy has to resign, too?

Do you have plans to change America’s name to Trumpland? Will you post oversized letters spelling your name at each international crossing?

What was the last book you read? Any idea who the French president is? How about the Serbian Prime Minister or the Prime Minister of Vietnam? If I gave you a list of 300 words, and told you that only 200 of them were actually countries, could you pick out the 100 words that I made up?

Are you already counting the days until your term is up? If you make it through the first term, will you admit now that there’s no way in hell that you’re running for re-election because you never wanted to be president in the first place?

Is my prediction of your resignation sometime in 2018 wildly far off, or just a little off? Have you already written your resignation letter?

You don’t really think you can ban Muslims from the country, do you? And that wall, you don’t really think you’re going to build a wall and have another country pay for it, do you? You’re speaking in metaphors, right? Surely you see the problem with rounding up 11 million people and sending them back to their countries of origin, don’t you?

It’s a joke, right? You’re a joke, your campaign was a joke, your rallies were a joke. You’re going to turn into this middle of the road dude who demands concessions from both sides and realizes that to Make America Great again we must include everyone, right?

We’re running out of time, Donny. Soon you’re going to be president of the United States. The most powerful man in the world. Please tell me you’re up to the job. Or at least reassure me that you’re better than everyone’s annoying, know-it-all uncle who they’ll tolerate at Thanksgiving next week.

Because that's who you seem like. And no one wants their uncle running the country.

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