Archive for February 2015

The Dress Made Me Wonder These Things

In case you don’t have the Facebook or the Twitter or the Tumbler or anything else that might be connected to a computer, or you haven’t talked to another human being in the last twenty-four hours, or you haven’t heard raised voices in the distance as people “discuss” their opinions, you can read about The... Read more »

My Life at 100 Years Old

On April 20, 2078 I’ll turn 100 years old. I plan to be alive then. And that’s the first step, right? Having a plan. So I’m on my way. First of all, we’re going to have a party that day. I know some people get to a point where they don’t celebrate birthdays, but I... Read more »

Rudy Giuliani is an Idiot Who Loves America

Rudy Giuliani is an idiot. Unfortunately, he’s an idiot that a lot of people agree with. But he’s not really the leader of the idiots. He’s more like the exploiter of the idiots, and many of the idiots are more than happy to go right along with him. In my summary of Rudy, I’m referring... Read more »

Why Are Parents so Dumb?

Every year in school some teacher tries to encourage us to ask questions by saying “The only stupid question is the one that isn’t asked.” Yeah, well the only stupid sayings are the ones that teachers repeat over and over again. But in the spirit of asking questions, let me lay one on you. Why... Read more »

What Happened When I Ate Food from a Stranger's Plate

I tend to ask, “What would happen if…” quite often. The subject of the question is usually rather benign. What would happen if I tried to make it to work and back without filling the gas tank? (I should know the answer to that question, but I’m a slow learner.) What would happen if I... Read more »

Little White Lies Can be Dangerous

Little white lies sound harmless enough, don’t they? I mean the word little is right there, implying that the falsehood is of no practical importance. I’m not sure where the white comes from. Maybe innocence, like heaven, as opposed to the darkness of doom. The only part of the phrase that I’m sure of is... Read more »

Dr. Seuss is Tupac

After reading that a new Dr. Seuss book will be released in July, it occurred to me that Dr. Seuss is just like Tupac Shakur. The similarities are uncanny. It all begins with this new Seuss book, titled What Pet Should I Get? Seuss’s wife found the material for the book shortly after his death... Read more »

Bring it on, Winter

Your days are numbered, Winter. Even though I’m sure you’re feeling rather smug right now, you should keep in mind that this is the beginning of the end. I know you’ve got some big things planned for us over the next few days. The meteorologists say that we might not get out of the single... Read more »

Juicy Presidential Affairs

I try not to be enticed by scandal. There are usually more interesting non-scandalous things happening than whatever the scandal of the day entails. And this is doubly true when in comes to presidential scandals. However, with the passage of time, some scandals become more interesting. It’s easy to forget that even though we always... Read more »

An SNL Sketch: Cooking with Paula and Martha

In honor of Saturday Night Live’s 40th Anniversary this Sunday, I wanted to create a sketch of my own. What follows is a never-aired (because I’m not an SNL writer), never-before-seen (because I just wrote it) sketch called “Cooking with Paula and Martha” starring Paula Deen and Martha Stewart PD: Welcome to Cooking with Paula... Read more »