With all of the hubbub concerning the Sony film, The Interview, which is about a plot to assassinate North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, and the associated massive computer hack, I thought it might be interesting to talk to Kim. I have no connections, but I figured if Dennis Rodman can do it, so can I.
So I just called North Korea (the phone number’s available on the inside of the back cover of your most recent hard copy phone book), and after a few disconnections and transfers, I got the man himself on the phone. Here’s my interview with him.
Dry it in the Water: Hello? Is this Kim Jong Un? (Momentary silence.) Am I speaking with Kim Jong Un?
Kim Jong Un: This is Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. Who the hell is this?
DiitW: I write a blog. It’s called Dry it in the Water. Maybe you’ve heard of it. (Silence again.) ChicagoNow. (Silence.) Chicago. In Illinois. Land of Lincoln. (Nothing.) Dennis Rodman. Michael Jordan.
KJU: Ahh, Chicago. Yes, Chicago Bulls.
DiitW: Right, right, right. Before we get started, can I ask, what should I call you?
KJU: I am Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.
DiitW: Yeah, yeah. I know that. But you’ve got to admit, that’s sort of a mouthful. Besides, when I hear Supreme, I think of pizza. And I don’t even like supreme pizza. Too much sausage and pepperoni. I’m more a veggie guy. So what else can I call you?
KJU: I am Kim Jong Un, Supr…
DiitW: Oh, wait a minute! I’ve got it. I was just looking at your name, and if we just move the space, then all of a sudden you become Kim Jon Gun. Jonny Gun. That’s much better. Much more menacing, don’t you think? No one’s going to mess with a guy called Jonny Gun. You could be Sly Stallone’s partner in the next Rambo film.
KJU: Sly Stallone?
DiitW: Never mind that. You’re not a sidekick. You’re a star. You need your own movie. How about Jonny Gun: Mr. Crankypants?
KJU: No movies. Ask Seth Rogen how I feel about your American movies.
DiitW: Well, since you brought it up, what’s the deal with that? I mean you look like such a jolly guy, I’d guess you had a better sense of humor. It’s a joke. The CIA isn’t sending reporters to kill you.
KJU: Not funny.
DiitW: You’re under too much pressure, aren’t you? Is that why you don’t see the humor in such things? Granted, I’ve heard it’s not that great of a movie to begin with, but it’s not like you’re getting the cream of the crop over there in NK, right? I mean you’re probably still watching films like Ernest Goes to Camp.
KJU: I love that one!
DiitW: See, I knew it! Hollywood movies have come a long way since then, though. You should give them a shot. I understand all that pressure you’re under though. I mean your grandpa and your dad were beloved in your country. You’ve got big shoes to fill. Well, actually, they’re probably not that big, since you’re so short. You’ve probably got small feet, too, huh? And small feet probably means…well, I don’t want to spell it out.
KJU: Enough! Do not disrespect the Supreme Leader.
DiitW: Easy there, Jonny Gun. I meant no disrespect. Why don’t you have a drink to relax though. Just sort of take the edge off, calm down a bit. Do you have gin over there? That’ll do the trick.
KJU: I don’t need to take the edge off.
DiitW: Hey, here’s another fun fact. If we jumble the letters in your name, we get Mo’ Junk Gin. Is that the problem? You only get shitty gin over there, don’t you? Well I’ve got a friend who knows a thing or two about cocktails. I’ll tell him to choose something really nice and send it over. Do you think that will help?
KJU: Don’t make me angry, Mr. Dry it in the Water. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
DiitW: The Incredible Hulk? Now you’re quoting 1970s American television shows? I don’t know whether to be frightened of you or ask you to be on my team for Trivial Pursuit. And really, what are you going to do to me?
KJU: Ask Sony what I’ll do to you.
DiitW: Yeah, but Jonny Gun, I’m not Sony. I don’t have a film you can ruin. I guess you could get people to stop reading my blog, but you’re more likely to keep the sun from rising in the morning than you are to get people to stop reading my blog. The people love it. I’m universally adored, you know.
KJU: Who loves it? How many people?
DiitW: Everyone. Everyone on earth reads Dry it in the Water. Well, everyone with a computer. Or a cell phone. Or reliable mail delivery, since some people actually print it out and mail it to others. So I’m sure even people in your country read it.
KJU: I don’t think so.
DiitW: Yeah, you’re probably right. You don’t have any of those things. I’m kidding anyway. I just wanted you to hear how ridiculous it sounds to claim you’re beloved by everyone in the world. That’s a common claim made by you and your dad and grandpa. Sounds silly, don’t you think?
KJU: Silly? No, it’s not silly! It’s truth. We are beloved figures in our country and around the world.
DiitW: Of course you are. And your dad’s birth was foretold by a rainbow across the sky and a new star in the heavens. That’s the truth, too, right? But my favorite fun fact is that your grandpa, who’s been dead for 20 years, is actually still the guy in charge. Eternal President of the Republic. No wonder you’re such a jerk. You can’t get out from under your dead grandpa’s shadow.
KJU: Watch yourself, mister.
DiitW: I guess I have no choice, do I? I wanted to watch you up on that big screen, but you went and ruined that one. Thanks a lot.
KJU: You’re welcome.
DiitW: You’re not good with sarcasm, are you? All right. I’ve got things to do. But before I hang up, I’ve got one last question. Which of the Seven Dwarfs are you most like? I’d say Grumpy or Dopey.
KJU: You’re not a smart man, Mr. Dry it in the Water.
DiitW: I know. Actually, let me leave you with a piece of advice that the Dwarfs should have given to Snow White: Beware the poison apple.
KJU: What? Poison apple? What poison apple? Is that a threat? Are you poisoning my food?
DiitW: Happy Holidays Jonny Gun!
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