Go Girl, You Can Pee Standing Up!

I’m not a woman. I don’t pretend to know what it’s like to be a woman. But I know that women don’t have a penis. And while there are numerous advantages to not having a penis (such as being able to think with the brain all the time, instead of just some of the time), there is one distinct disadvantage:

Women can’t pee standing up.

Until now.

From the same can-do, problem-solving American spirit that brought us the light bulb, airplanes, and fast food, we have a new invention. Behold the Go Girl!

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No, this isn’t an oxygen mask for Pinocchio. Nor is it a Saturday Night Live commercial. It’s a real product. And perhaps I just don’t get it because I’m a man, but I just cannot take this thing seriously.

I mean, isn’t it essentially a funnel? It looks like a pink version of the plastic funnel used to add oil to a car. But before we dismiss it just because it looks weird, maybe we should take a closer look at what it allows women to do.

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Okay, that’s a close enough look!

Look, I understand it’s inconvenient to have to sit down to pee. Rough break.

However, I also know that women are resourceful. The Squat isn’t just a weightlifting term. And while it may seem like Go Girl would help women manage their business in the foulness of public restrooms, something stinks here, and it’s not the pee.

First, even though Go Girl claims to form a seal against your body that allows you to just aim and pee, is this a chance you’re really willing to take?

Imagine for a moment, that you’re at a concert. You’ve been drinking $10 Miller Lites all evening, and your bladder is about to explode. After waiting in line at the bathroom for fifteen minutes, it’s finally your turn. Usually you’d just squat over the toilet, pee, and leave.

But not now. Not you, Ms. Fancy Pants. You Go Girl! Now you don’t have to worry about squatting. You just whip out the girl go, cup it against your lady parts, aim toward the toilet, and pee.

Oh shit! Your aim is off and you pee all over the seat, and then the floor. No matter, the next girl’s going to squat anyway, and we all know that you’ve got to expect a little pee on your shoes if you use a public restroom.

Still, you try to fix your aim, but when you move your body you break the seal. No, not the proverbial seal holding the pee in your bladder. The actual seal that’s holding this motor oil funnel to your delicate nether region.

And once the seal’s broken, all bets are off. It says as much on the website.

The good news is that the stream is no longer landing on the toilet seat. The bad news is that all that pee is leaking out of the now-broken seal and running down your legs, into your pants.

You’ve been doing your Kegels though, so you can stop your pee mid-stream, no problem. Forget it. Just do The Squat.

You know it’s hard enough to maintain your balance as you squat over a disgusting toilet, but now you’ve got a pee covered funnel in your hands, your pants look like they belong to a potty-training three year old, and you’re drunk.

Go Girl!

But maybe you’re a superheroine and you can handle anything. Bravo! Don’t worry, I’m sure your pants won’t really smell like pee. And I’m sure you’re not going to have to pee again in thirty minutes anyway.

At least you’ve got your Go Girl, which you still have to figure out a way to store in your purse without getting pee on your cell phone and chewing gum.

Thankfully, the creators include a baggie to store it in. The instructions on the website advise you to just wash it with soap and water, dry it, and then fold it and put it in the bag. Good thing it’ll be so easy to wash Go Girl in those disgusting bathrooms.

Oh great, you haven’t done origami since fifth grade, and now you can’t fold the damn thing? Well worry not! The good folks at Go Girl have posted an instructional video on how to fold Go Girl. Simply lay a tissue on a flat surface, put Go Girl on top of the tissue, fold it, then roll it like a sleeping bag, then put it back in the baggie.

Easy, right?

Or you can just squat.

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