Archive for December 2014

2015 Will be my Year of Doing Without

I’m not a New Year’s Resolution guy. When you’re perfect, you don’t make New Year’s resolutions. Okay, resolution #1: Try to be more modest in 2015. I’m kidding. I know I’m not perfect. It’s a joke. Maybe you should resolve to get a better sense of humor in 2015. But seriously, I’m not one to... Read more »

That Time my Parents Thought I Was Kidnapped

It sounds like a bunch of nostalgic crap coming from some old guy, but nostalgia’s never crap and I’m not that damn old, so pay attention. When I was a kid in the mid 1980s we had a sort of freedom that most kids today don’t enjoy for a variety of reasons. One of the... Read more »

Enjoy the Holiday Season Before it's Too Late

I love this time of year. The weeks from Thanksgiving to New Year’s are a whirl of activity, and we love every stinking minute of it. To paraphrase Joe Biden, Christmas in the Dry it in the Water house is a big f$&%ing deal. Over the years we’ve implemented a number of holiday traditions, and... Read more »

My Interview with North Korea's Kim Jong Un

With all of the hubbub concerning the Sony film, The Interview, which is about a plot to assassinate North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, and the associated massive computer hack, I thought it might be interesting to talk to Kim. I have no connections, but I figured if Dennis Rodman can do it, so can... Read more »

I Suck at Christmas Shopping, but My Wife Doesn't

I’m here to remind you that Christmas is one week from tomorrow. Surprisingly, no retail stores have decided to open on Christmas yet, so that means that after today you’ve only got seven days to select that perfect gift. And if you want to buy something online, you have even fewer days than that to... Read more »

Go Girl, You Can Pee Standing Up!

I’m not a woman. I don’t pretend to know what it’s like to be a woman. But I know that women don’t have a penis. And while there are numerous advantages to not having a penis (such as being able to think with the brain all the time, instead of just some of the time),... Read more »

What a Four Year Old Thinks About When She's Cutting her Own Hair

My daughter is four years old. She’s cute as a button with long, curly hair. She’s so cute that Chinese tourists have taken her picture on three different occasions, including once in front of Abe Lincoln’s statue at the top of his memorial in DC. Yesterday she decided to cut her hair. By herself. With... Read more »

Four Year Olds Can Cut Their Own Hair, Right?

Four Year Olds Can Cut Their Own Hair, Right?
“Is that a wig under the table?” my wife asked. It’s sort of an unusual question, especially since we were in the kitchen and we don’t ordinarily keep our wigs under the kitchen table. Before I could come up with any logical explanation why a wig might be hiding out among the various food crumbs... Read more »

Forget French Toast Crunch, Bring Back Subway's U-Gouge

In case you missed it, there was huge news in the cereal world yesterday. And as an endlessly faithful reader of this blog, you know that I love cereal. However, the return of French Toast Crunch gets a big eye roll from me. Who cares? If you’re looking for a crunchy cereal that’s coated in... Read more »

Pantone Chose Marsala as Color of the Year, So I Made Other Choices

In case you missed the news, Pantone has chosen Marsala as the color of the year for 2015. Their industry is color, so I suppose they’re as qualified as anyone to choose a color of the year. So next year expect to see Marsala used in all sorts of different designs, like clothing, appliances, and... Read more »