Archive for November 2014

I'm Thankful for Thanksgiving Only Coming Once a Year

Those four days went by fast, didn’t they? I swear I was just ordering some Domino’s pizza on Wednesday night, then trying to make clear to the girl at Domino’s that my last name is Baker and not Banker. (Big difference in the sound of those two words, apparently.) But that’s old news, and as... Read more »

Search Terms People Have Used to Find my Blog; a.k.a. My Readers are Crazy

This blog is pretty neat. I mean I just think about something, write it down, click a few times, and then some people all around the world can read what I wrote. Thanks Internet! And thanks to this big fancy technology company called Google (you might have heard of them), I can see all sorts... Read more »

Sorry, But Most People Don't Care about Your Bumper Sticker

The good thing about sitting in traffic—perhaps the only good thing unless huffing exhaust fumes is your thing—is that it provides an opportunity to read bumper stickers on other cars. These stickers can tell us a lot about the people who are driving the car. Most prevalent these days are the My kid is an... Read more »
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Some Black Things Cooler than Black Friday

Hey, it’s Black Friday! What the heck are you doing reading this blog post instead of frantically searching the store for that huge discount on a television that’s too big for your living room? Step back from the computer and race to the store. Now! Unless you’re already in the store and you’re reading this... Read more »

These Things Happened on Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving! If you’re taking time away from your family and friends to read this, then I demand you walk away and go spend time with loved ones. I don’t have anything interesting to say anyway. In fact, if I wasn’t trying to post every single day for this dumb National Blog Posting Month, I... Read more »

It's Thanksgiving, Not Turkey Day

Perhaps it’s contradictory to the spirit of Thanksgiving, but every time I hear someone say “Happy Turkey Day!” I want to punch them in the gizzard. Newsflash: the name of the holiday is Thanksgiving, not Turkey Day. In fact, turkey wasn’t even the centerpiece of the meal at the first Thanksgiving, so cool it. Also,... Read more »
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Zenithichron, A New Holiday to Celebrate Summer

August is begging for a holiday. The weather’s always nice, it’s 31 days long, and it’s smack dab in the middle of one of the longest holiday dry streaks of the year. By my calculations, there are only two months—June and August—that don’t have a holiday of their own. Unless you count Flag Day, which... Read more »

I Wish I Could Live my Kids' Dreams

I think that most of the world’s problems would probably go away if we could remember what it’s like to be a child. A child doesn’t know they’re supposed to hate. A child doesn’t know there are limitations on what they can do in their life. A child doesn’t know there are bad people in... Read more »

Hey Kids, Michelle Obama Didn't Make your School Lunch

It’s been about nineteen years since I was in high school, but things appear to have changed a little bit since then. When I was in school we just had regular women as our lunch ladies. Now, apparently, the First Lady of the United States prepares school lunches. That must be what the recent #ThanksMichelleObama... Read more »
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How Did I Become a Beer Snob?

I was the rare high school student who literally never had even one drop of alcohol. I’m talking nothing. No beer with friends, no quick swig from a bottle of vodka, not even a taste of Purple Passion. Nothing. I didn’t start drinking until I turned twenty-one, and even then I didn’t really like the... Read more »