Silly Adults, Disney Princess Costumes are for Kids

It’s almost Halloween, which means this is prime time for people who like to pretend they’re something they’re not. Usually this is all in good fun, and I’m all for it.

However, there’s one group of people who should refrain from such shenanigans. I’m not talking about transvestites; they keep the fun going all year. And I’m not talking about various police officer, firefighter, maid, or nurse outfits that certain readers might wear in the privacy of their own homes.

I’m talking about Disney princesses. To be more specific, I’m talking about women who dress up as Disney princesses to entertain children.

Just stop. Please.

Look, I understand the temptation. There’s nothing cuter than a little kid’s excitement over seeing their favorite character in the flesh. And some of those Disney movies are so enthralling that kids develop a Vicodin-like obsession with them.

So it’s only natural that some grown up would go and ruin it by purchasing an adult-sized dress, squeezing themselves into its unrealistic proportions, and then sally off to make some dough by pretending to be a princess at birthday parties.

Sounds great, right? Kids don’t know any better so they’ll notice the color of the dress, the fancy shoes, and the not-quite-perfect-but-maybe-good-enough hairdo and think that Ariel or Elsa or Belle have stepped off the screen and stand before them in the flesh.

There’s only one problem, sugar. You don’t look like a Disney princess!

I don’t understand the thinking here. I mean if a man wore a red shirt with no pants and went to a kid’s birthday party and claimed to be Winnie the Pooh, they’d throw him in jail!

“Well Winnie the Pooh is a bear,” you might say. “It’s different for people.”

Okay, fair enough. But if I put on a red coat, a hat with a feather in it, and had a pretend hook and a sword, would you think I was Captain Hook? No! You’d probably think I was trying to be Captain Morgan and offer me some rum while doing that stupid pose.

Don’t believe me? Ask Disney. They don’t try to find men to dress up as Captain Hook at the Disney parks. Captain Hook is a costume with a fake head. And they do that because the dude’s funky looking face is part of what makes him unique.

Woody from Toy Story, too. In fact, maybe the only male character that isn’t portrayed with a mask is Pinnochio, who’s actually a boy, and half the time portrayed by a short-haired girl!

Yes, you’re right. At Disney parks the princesses are portrayed by actual women who show their real faces. And guess what? They’re barely believable as princesses. So if Disney, with their billions of dollars, talented costume design people, and ownership of the copyrights can’t make a decent live princess replica, what makes you think you can, Laura from Lincoln Park?

Some kids might play along and pretend the princesses are real, but they know better, and they’re probably just trying to spare the feelings of the faux princess, who went through all the work of getting dressed up, and their own parents, who are only trying to make their children happy.

By the way, I'd never consider dressing up as a prince from one of those movies. Besides the fact that there's no way I could rock the long hair or ridiculously cleft chin that some of them have, I realize that most kids would just think I was some dude in weird clothes.

Which reminds me, what were the animators thinking when they drew the prince at the end of Beauty and the Beast? The entire movie's about a beast so horrid that people are frightened of him and can't stand to look at him, and then when he turns into a human at the end he's actually even uglier than the beast! They never made a sequel to that film because after it's over Belle asks the prince to go back to being the beast. When he refuses, she runs off with Gaston.

Anyway, best to leave all things Disney Princess to the little kids. They’re the only ones who will ever look as cute as the princesses on screen anyway.

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