Archive for September 2014

Bad Driving and Satisfying Solutions

I can’t be the only person who knows how to drive, can I? Obviously there are many people behind the wheel, but as I sat in traffic on Interstate 94 in northwest Indiana yesterday afternoon, I did some rough calculations, and discovered that—Holy Crap!—I am the only person who knows how to drive. Or so... Read more »

We Should be Like Banned Books

In case you haven’t noticed—which is probably impossible, since I’ve seen it mentioned everywhere recently—it’s Banned Books Week. This is the week that the American Library Association has chosen to spotlight the ridiculous existence of banned and challenged books. It’s rather hard to believe that people are still challenging books. There are celebrities known for... Read more »

Why I Secretly Hope my Kids Won't Listen to Me

I’ve always thought that I speak English, and that my wife speaks English. We understand each other well enough, and other people who speak English understand me. And damn it, this is America, and I frequently hear people say, “We speak English in America!” So then why the hell can’t my kids understand me when... Read more »

Warning: It's Wife Appreciation Day!

My calendar almost got me killed today. Somehow it managed to figure out that the first day of Autumn is tomorrow, and Rosh Hashanah begins on Wednesday, yet it has nothing but silence for today. And that’s very dangerous. If you don’t know why, then you might be in trouble. Today is Wife Appreciation Day.... Read more »

iPhone Release Day Enthusiasm

It’s iPhone Day! It’s iPhone Day! Can you believe it? I’m so stinking excited I can’t stand it. I’ve been waiting in line for twenty-nine hours so I can be sure to get my new iPhone as soon as possible. And now it’s only about an hour until the Apple store opens and I can... Read more »

Don't be a Shaving Idiot!

Shaving is the pits. No, not the armpits, which is just one of the numerous body parts we crazy humans shave. The pits. As in the worst. It’s a waste of time, and if I could do away with that particular chore forever, I’d be ecstatic. I can’t do away with it though, so instead... Read more »

Cereal: An Education

Perhaps the only food more versatile than a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is cereal. Whether it’s consumed for breakfast, lunch, dinner, or snack, it’s always appropriate and satisfying. Now, before you begin with cries of, “Breakfast cereal is nothing but sugar!” or “I’m not letting my kids near that stuff!” or “I’m not eating... Read more »

A Man's Miss America Recap

In case your Sunday night didn’t include watching the 2015 Miss America pageant, I’ve done the dirty work for you. Thank me later. I missed the beginning, so anything that happened before the swimsuit competition gets a free pass. Everything that happened after that practically wrote this post for me. First, who taught these women... Read more »

What Does Never Forget Mean on 9/11?

I can’t think of another day of the year that’s known simply by its numbers. 9/11. Every other day in which we pause to remember has a name. Memorial Day. Veterans Day. Thanksgiving. Christmas. Even the casual reference to Independence Day frames it in the lyrical 4th of July, and not 7/4. Maybe we call... Read more »

Learning In Spite of Myself

I like to think that I’m a smart guy. I mean, I’m no Einstein (as in Albert), but I’m also no Epstein (as in Juan, a Sweathog on Welcome Back, Kotter). On the stupid/smart continuum I think I lean a couple of notches toward smart. However, there are a few things that I refuse to... Read more »