We Are An Item Now. 10 Things We Can Do About It.

barb-glamour"I didn't know the two of you were an item!"

It was an off-the-cuff remark by Terri, a new member of our Sunday morning tennis drill group. She had been playing with us for a few weeks, but apparantly the rumor mill was a little slow.

"We are an item? Well, we've been married for 38 years, " I said.

"39," Barb quickly corrected.

Deep inside, I was thrilled.

I have never been half of an "item" before. I thought only the super-cool kids earned that designation. Homecoming Kings and Queens, Big Men and Women on Campus, Oscar Award Winning Actors and Actresses. Never me.

But now that we have achieved that status, at least according to Terri, I have a list of 10 things that I think Barb and I need to accomplish. Consider it our "Itemized" Bucket List.

Top Ten List of Things to Do as an Item

  1. Simultaneously be the cover models for Glamour, Cosmo, and Sports Illustrated -- Swim Suit Issue, anyone?
  2. Dance with Ellen and play games with Jimmy. Or play games with Ellen and dance with Jimmy.
  3. Spend our 40th Anniversary renewing our vows on in an ancient Tibetian monastery with paparazzi helicopters circling overhead.
  4. Be interviewed on a podcast and give advice on things we know nothing about.
  5. Do the halftime show at Super Bowl LIII in Atlanta. Avoid wardrobe malfunction.
  6. Tell our Harvey Weinstein story. (Doesn't everyone have one??)
  7. Have our lives immortalized on a 10 part series on Hulu, Amazon, Netflix, or some other hipper streaming service. Cast Uma Thurman and Bradley Cooper as Barb and Les.
  8. Rent an island in the Indian Ocean for month-long retreat with family. Bring along a dog whisperer to take care of Milo.
  9. Buy 500,000 new Twitter followers and tweet every opinion and thought that comes to mind. Be encouraged to run for President.
  10. Win a Peoples Choice Award as "Hottest Couple" and get to thank each other on national television.

"Cause that's what "items" do, right?


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