The Gettysburg Address-Trump Style

lincoln-trumpA mysterious audio file appeared on my screen this morning. I publish an unedited transcript.

"Four score and seven years ago--(what is that, about 90 years? Math wasn't on my IQ test) our forefathers (white men, great white men) brought forth upon this continent (I got to tell you it is a great continent, loaded with coal, loaded, with coal) conceived in liberty (I would have liked to have conceived a few things with Liberty if you know what I mean) and dedicated to the proposition (or is it preposition, these 5 syllable words all sound the same) that all (white, European) men are created equal (and should be allowed to avoid inheritance taxes.)

"Now we are engaged (I have been engaged a few times-don't recommend it, puts a crimp in the pussy grabbing) in a great (the absolute best) civil war, testing whether that nation (that we will make great again) or any nation (did you know Lincoln was a Republican?) so conceived (got to put some more conservatives on the Supreme Court) and so dedicated, can long (I have very long hands) endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war (and they used rifles, so rifles are very historical). We have come to dedicate a portion of that field (would make a great golf course), as a  final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. (Or we could have just compromised on this slavery thing and all gone home and watched FoxNews.)

"(Blah Blah, this is getting boring so I am going to skip ahead to my big finish.)  It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us (building great walls, mining coal, making threats)—that from these honored dead (and I called one of their mothers. Lovely woman, can't remember her name) we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain (if I can remember I'm gonna tweet that and say it was my idea)—that this nation, under (my) God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government of rich white men, by rich white men, for rich white men, shall not perish from the earth."

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And from me (Les) wishes for a peaceful, meaningful Veteran's Day to all.

What should Hillary Clinton have done differently? Click here to find out.

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