In an early morning impromptu press conference in the lobby of Trump Tower, President Donald Trump refused to lay the blame on next week's solar eclipse on natural astrophysical events, instead claiming the alt-left was directly responsible.
"There is no doubt in my mind that emphasis on solar power is overwhelming the capacity of the sun to keep shining on great white America. Coal is the only answer, the only way to prevent future occurrences of darkness in the middle of the day. With my next Executive Order, August 21st will officially be declared End the EPA Day. I encourage all my loyal core followers to attend a mass West Virginia Coal Dig In on that day. I understand white hood shaped hard hats will be available along with Tiki torches."
When questioned, Trump appeared unaware that eclipses have occured throughout history. "This is the direct result of un-American activity bringing darkness to our great nation. A black sky in the middle of the day? Next thing you know they'll be plotting to have a glowing rainbow flag fill the darkness. You know, that LGBTQ thing."
As Trump spoke, several advisors were seen leaving an elevator holding their coats over their faces and sprinting for the exits. When contacted by telephone, Scott Pruit, head of the EPA commented, "Mr. Trump may have misinterpreted some comments that were made by me, but I guarantee you he understands the darkness will be caused by the moon moving in front of the sun." Appearing on "Morning Joe," Kellyanne Conway supported the President, stating that he had one of the greatest science minds of our generation. "He is not an Einstein, but he is very close." An attempt was made to contact the members of Trump's Science Advisory Board, but the Board no longer seems to exist.
Following the interview, Chief of Staff John Kelly was noted in a fetal crouch, covering his head with his hands, and quietly sobbing. Via a leak to Breitbart, Steve Bannon was quoted as saying "Don't blame this one on me." Jared and Ivanka Kushner were on vacation and unavailable for comment.
Speaking of science, donations still being taken for the SEABlue Prostate Cancer Awareness Event on September 10, 2017. Make your donations here.
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