The following transcript was discovered in the hidden files on Sean Spicer upon his sudden resignation as White House Press Secretary.
Secret taping of Raff household during Sunday Barbecue July 16
Dr. Raff: Thank you all for coming to our lovely home today for this wonderful barbecue. I am about to go out and ignite our deluxe, 24 burner, gas grill, but before I do, I think you should all let me know just how you think I have performed over the last six months. No alternate facts, just the truth. Who wants to go first?
Son-in-law: I have only been in the family for a few weeks, but I want to tell you that this has been the most fantastic family I could ever hope to marry in to. I love your daughter, but it was knowing that you were the pater familias that prompted me to ask her to marry me.
Dr. Raff: Thank you, though I don’t like foreign words around here. They will be banned as soon as I build a wall between our back yard and the neighbors.
Son: Thanks for having us here Dad. Every day of my life has been blessed by having you as my father. As an attorney I once defended some pretty sleazy guys, so it is no problem for me to defend you in anything you do. And I swear I have never had a secret meeting with any one at any time in any place.
Dr. Raff: Thank you son. I always knew you were a smart one. But now I want to hear from your lovely wife.
Daughter-in-law: I just want to say how enlightened and enriched my life has become since I have known you. I would trust every aspect of my life to you. Even though my own father is a physician, I have no doubt that you are the best and smartest doctor I have ever met.
Dr. Raff: I can tweet that—"best doctor in the world". And what about the little ones?
3 year old granddaughter: Baba, I love you so much, that I just want to keep hugging you and playing with you. I am so happy I see you so much. I learn so much from you.
1 year old granddaughter: Baba! Baba!
Dr. Raff: Good to see you are both being brought up the right way. Is there anyone we haven’t heard from yet? I see a few hands raised.
Daughter: Not only did you throw us the perfect wedding, your promise to pardon us from any crime we may ever commit is the warmest and most loving gift we could ever hope for.
Dr. Raff: That's right honey. Your daddy will always be there for you. And now my lovely wife.
Wife: Dear, I never tell you enough how wonderful a husband, father and grandfather you are. You put the bread on our table, the roof over our heads and make sure we have health care even though that freaking Obamacare doubled our premiums. If you are ever investigated I will do my best to hide any incriminating evidence.
Dr. Raff: Thank you all. I know your praises are heartfelt and that I deserve every bit of everything that comes my way. I am going to go out now to grill some fantastic steaks with the biggest baked potatoes this country has ever seen. Great, just great.
Sound of footsteps followed by door opening and closing.
3 year old granddaughter: What a bleep.
1 year old granddaughter: Bleep right.
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