Yup, Barb and I are still basking in our new suburban Chicago home. No moving vans are lining up to whisk us off to the nation's capital. The President seems to have rescinded my invitation to be his science advisor, and Ivanka has lost interest in using Barb to decorate the White House. I've wracked my brain for what went wrong, and have unearthed a few reasons why our adventure down the rabbit hole into Wonderland D. C. seems to have short-circuited. In part it was our fault, in part the failure can be blamed on the Trumps and their cronies, and part...well that's just the way things go sometimes.
Ten Reasons We Aren't Working the White House
- The freakily warm Chicago weather has Secretary of State Tillerson worried that I may be channeling global warming via my hidden super powers. The former head of Exxon-Mobil has no interest in a climate changer as science advisor.
- Barb bought a pair of shoes at Nordstrom's last week. We all know how Trump feels about THAT. But Ivanka's interest may explain why my credit card company flagged the purchase with a potential fraud warning.
- Following Melissa McCarthy's Saturday Night Live performance, all new hires from Illinois are subject to "double secret extreme vetting" to guarantee we don't do cross-gender impersonations. It is rumored I failed that investigation.
- Barb's "some of the decorating can wait until next year" philosophy was considered too slow for an administration that might not make it past cherry blossom season.
- Our lack of foreign language skills was a real drawback. Trump wants all new employees to be able to say "Get out of my country" in at least three languages.
- We get vaccinated--a lot.
- Our niece works for Marco Rubio. New Trump regulations exclude staffers with any relation to Lyin' Ted or Little Marco.
- We texted POTUS asking for contracts guaranteeing us more than 24 days on the job. He tweeted back "Only Kellyanne Conway gets that kind of guarantee."
- Our two china policy (Wedgewood and Rosenthal) was in conflict with this week's foreign policy (but maybe not next week's.)
- We filled out the wrong application. The New York Times published the right one a few days ago.
So Barb and I will just have to bide our time until Chris Kennedy calls us to Springfield in 2018. It might not be D.C., but our bags are packed!
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