Dear President Trump:
It is very cold in Chicago. I hear the weather is better in Washington DC. I also have some friends and relatives there, so I am investigating making a move. I don't want to relocate without a decent paying job, so can you give me a Cabinet post? I don't care which one; that is up to you. But just to help, here are my qualifications for some of the positions:
- Secretary of State: I can name about 50 countries and can even find most of them on a map. I am not so good on capital cities, but I am a fast learner. I also think it would be cool to get one or two million frequent flyer miles so the airline will give me that nifty black card that George Clooney has.
- Secretary of Treasury: As a kid i collected pennies. Now I collect larger bills, and also know how to spend them. Spending lots of money is another way to get miles on those nifty black cards.
- Secretary of Defense: I got bullied once and the next day I brought some friends to rearrange the bully's attitude. That's the best defense, have some friends do your dirty work.
- Attorney General: My son and lots of other people I know are lawyers. I have also been to traffic court. I won. 'Nuff said.
- Secretary of Interior: Only about 83 Americans knows what this person does and I am not one of them. But I will still take the job.
- Secretary of Agriculture: I have never seen a working farm but I am tolerant of gluten, lactose, GMOs, ADM and Monsanto. Think of the kick-ass Franken-Crops we can create!
- Secretary of Labor: I was in a union in my first job at the Jewel Food Store on Morse Avenue across from the deli. The store manager hated unions just like your administration will. I learned young.
- Secretary of Health and Human Services: Did I tell you I was a doctor? Not a brain surgeon like Ben Carson, just a neighborhood pathologist. But we aren't prima donnas and will work cheap.
- Secretary of Education: I went to school for twenty years. And oh yeah, I was a School Board President. Forget it, I am overqualified for this position in your Cabinet.
- UN Ambassador: I visited the UN when I was a kid and the tour guide was very nice to me. I want to return the favor.
If you think I would be better at one of the other Cabinet positions, that would be fine with me. Just get me to Washington in time for one of the Inaugural Balls. I promised Barb I would buy her a new dress.
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