Mattel's New Barbies Are Not Enough!

ny dollsIt's just a ...

...personality crisis.

New York Dolls, 1973

When Laury was a little girl, the gift she always asked for, but never received, was a shiny pink plastic Barbie car. It would have been the perfect companion for her blonde, sleek, and unnaturally proportioned Barbie doll. But with sales of that California Barbie flagging, Mattel has announced they will now be making Barbie in seven skin tones, 22 eye colors and 24 hairstyles. Let's see, doing a Powerbally type calculation we have 7 x 22 x 24=1056 possible combinations. At one a night, that's 132 years worth of Hannukah presents.

But despite all those permutations, don't you think Mattel may still be missing the boat? A few suggestions for some additional dolls to jack up (jill up?) their doll sales.

  • Mariah--this curvy crooner doll comes dressed in Spandex and with a brand new engagement ring. Past husbands optional.
  • Meryl--a rare talking variety, she can teach your daughter (or son) to speak in 7 different accents.
  • Merkel--buy this stern German Mädchen and she invites all the neighbor dolls over too!
  • Adelle--not the most beautiful doll, but sells so fast Toys R Us can't keep her in stock.
  • Oprah--be careful when you buy her, she has a tendency to give away all the cars in your garage.
  • Serena and Venus--a matched set, big, strong and come with a loaded trophy case they won't let anyone else play with.
  • Mary-Kate and Ashley--another matched set, not as big, not as strong, but come with a clothes wardrobe they designed for all your other dolls.
  • Caitlyn--a recent redesign, not welcome in all households.
  • Carly--she'll take over your home, bring you to the brink of bankruptcy, then want to be your Doll President.
  • Miss Columbia--still thinks she is the prettiest doll in your collection.
  • and finally, Hillary--keeps on running, running, running.

Mattel, if you need me for anymore suggestions, I am available. Just think how many companions we can come up with for Ken.  And Laury, we apologize for never buying you that Barbie car. But we did let you drive the CRV!


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