What I Learned on the "It Hurts Too Much To Eat" Diet

chicagov

A man selling ice cream

Singing Italian songs

Chicago-1972

I have discovered the magic bullet. A GI issue has prevented me from eating solid food for the last ten days. They have turned my non-stop love affair with food into a miserable love-pain S&M relationship, my own 50 Shades of Gravy. I don't recommend anyone follow this diet, but for those of you with an insane desire to lose weight in a hurry, here are a few thoughts.

  • My last post featured an album cover and lyrics from the Carpenters. Talk about unintentional irony!
  • Fruit smoothies sound like a good idea. Ice cold, frosty, chill inducing Strawberry-Banana smoothies from Pandora that hit your gut like a Tazer shot at 6 a.m. are NOT a good idea.
  • Licking the cream cheese off a bagel is OK; nibbling at the edges of the bagel is OK only if done slooooowly.
  • I make Cream of Wheat the same way mother used to do it.  Stand at the stovetop and stir, stir, stir. No microwave mush for this boy. And never a lump.
  • Boost Vanilla Protein Drink is the foulest potion this side of Hogwarts. It belongs in a cauldron with three witches stirring it.
  • Adding a squashed up banana to Boost Vanilla Protein Drink just makes the agony last longer.
  • Chicken noodle soup is fine. Blenderizing the chicken and the noodles spoils the appeal. Now I know what Oliver Twist felt like at the workhouse. "Please may I have some more gruel, sir?"
  • Ice cream, slightly chilled, in small spoonfuls, is fine. Salty Caramel and Coffee flavors are best. Bring 'em on!
  • A wife who drives you to the doctor-good. A wife who goes to 3 different grocery stores to get things you like-better. A wife who makes vanilla pudding without that awful skin on top-priceless! Gotta love her--always.
  • The bathroom scale can be your friend again. Daily!

Things are slowly improving. By the Night Before Christmas I hope to be able to take a bite out of more than just those visions of sugar plums and Lou Malnati's Pizza that are dancing in my head. Until then, keep those room temperature smoothies coming!

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