School Lice Letter

School Lice Letter

One of the most-read blog posts of last month on ChicagoNow is this made-up letter about kids getting lice from a principal (The letter I would WANT to send home about LICE if I were the school principal) at Moms Who Drink And Swear. Read a couple of excerpts below, or click the link and read the whole thing. No idea how it got so popular -- it's from a year ago! Are lice particularly bad this year?

Dear Parents/Guardians,

We are sending this letter to all parents to help educate you about head lice so that you can take steps at home to help prevent your child from contracting head lice. But it's not that simple. This is also a formal way to beg those of you who aren't doing your due diligence at home to get rid of it and stop sending your infested kid to school with it to get your shit together.

Sure, we all know that head lice don’t spread disease and are not a serious medial condition, but GODDAMN if it doesn’t feel like the plague, right? Those stubborn little fuckers are tricky, opportunistic and crawl faster than an unsupervised baby towards an exposed live wire.

...

I think we can all agree that we would all have better luck stapling running water to a slab of ice than to get kids to follow directions, but we can’t give up on you, the parents. We need your help. I know you think it’s easier for us to deal with problems like lice as well as your kids daily bullshit because we get paid, but you are wrong. It may not cost us in cash dollars, but your little fuck trophy is only one of 30 kids in a classroom. The cost of handling 30 or more kids just like your crotchfruit or worse, all day, every day, having to be fair, appropriate, patient and encouraging is HUGE. How can we do all that AND make sure they don't get hair bugs from the kid standing next to them in line for chicken nuggets in the cafeteria?

...

Because I AM your pal, I am enclosing coupons for buy one get one free 12-packs of Miller Lite, boxed wines (white or red) and various whiskey blends, bourbons and distilled spirits from our local liquor depot. I realize the idea of having thousands of vampire bugs crawling all over your kid and crib is terribly upsetting, therefore I’m just doing my part to make the whole process just a little easier. If you find yourself too intoxicated to make a run to the drug store to buy more cleaning supplies, I am also enclosing a list of designated driver phone numbers of women from the PTA who have generously donated their services to the school in lieu of having to participate in the fall fundraiser.

Sincerely,

Gal Smiley, PhD
PrinciPAL at Every schoo

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  • I LOVE Moms who Drink & Swear. I swear!

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