In order to wallow in every single thing that every candidate ever thought or did, federal election law now requires that anyone running for public office must file his high school yearbook with designated authorities.
Anybody who removes any pages that might prove embarrassing or worse shall be subject to a fine of $10,000 or three years in prison. Unless, of course, it's Barack Obama's yearbook.
Any and all women that male candidates have dated in their youth must be identified and interviewed. Did the candidate ever try to cop a feel? Did any get to second base or beyond?
Every white candidate is required to identify every black person with whom the candidate has come into contact. All meetings must be classified into selected categories: Hostile, violent, cringing or condescending. Any claims of positive interactions must be attested to by the person contacted and by two witnesses.
Did the candidate ever play dirty doc in kindergarten?
Shock therapy will be required if a candidate claims to not remember.
Close friends of the candidate will be interviewed to detect any evidence of actions requiring an apology. Anyone who was friends of a candidate accused of insensitivity will be blacklisted under the rules created by the Sen. Joe McCarthy code of conduct.
A special panel of psychologists, criminologists, historians, social scientist and progressives will be created to examine, with a fine tooth comb, every letter, email, phone call or personal meeting the candidate had with a marginalized person. Anyone failing to apologize to the offended person's satisfaction will be keel hauled.
A valid birth certificate will be required of every candidate. Unless, of course, the candidate is Barack Obama.