Well, that caps it: President Barack Obama's refusal to release the pictures of the dead Osama bin Laden proves that....well, it's hard to summarize the nutty conspiracy theories that started taking hold the second that it was disclosed that his body was dumped into the sea. Here are nine of my favorite moronic theories:
9. He was killed on exactly the eighth anniversary of George W. Bush's infamous "Mission Accomplished" speech, in which he announced the end of major combat in Iraq. For the life of me, I don't know why this coincidence carries with it some hint of a conspiracy. But the folks at "The Nation" and "HuffingtonPost" think that it is noteworthy. I guess it means that Obama conspired with Bush to bring about some kind of closure. Maybe we also should add that 9/11 happened eight months after Bill Clinton's term as president ended. There's something about "eight" that needs closer examination.
8. Osama bin Laden was never in his suburban Islamabad fortress. This seems more popular in the Middle East where opinion seems to be that bin Laden would never be so stupid as to try hide out in plain sight. "They're just making it up. Nobody has seen the body, said Owais Khan, a localite.
7. The Americans killed the wrong guy. The DNA shows that it wasn't bin Laden that was killed, but the Americans are covering up the fact. The Americans don't want to suffer the embarrassment of the bungled attempt to rescue the Iranian hostages under President Jimmy Carter.
6. He's not really dead; the raid was faked just like the Americans faked landing on the Moon. Or like the movie "Wag the Dog." Said anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan on Facebook: "I am sorry, but if you believe the newest death of OBL, you're stupid. Just think to yourself - they paraded Saddam's dead sons around to prove they were dead - why do you suppose they hastily buried this version of OBL at sea?"
5. All right, so maybe he's dead, but the whole thing was done to give Obama political cover for drawing down U.S. troops in Afghanistan. Based on the assumption that we can all breathe easier now that bin Laden is kaput.
4. This is related to Number 5 above: To give Obama a political victory to ensure insure his re-election. Supporting evidence for this theory is the fact that Obama's announcement of bin Laden's death overshadowed Donald Trump's realty show, Celebrity Apprentice. Trump sprang to favored Republican presidential candidate after he made a stink claiming that Obama was not an American citizen.
3. He was killed or died from an illness a long time ago, but his body was frozen for use for whenever it was useful for Obama or the Americans. In the meantime, America kept releasing fake tapes of him to justify the war on terror. This seems especially popular on Twitter.
2. Bin Laden had been collaborating with Washington all along. In my wildest fantasy, I can't begin to imagine such a partnership. Maybe it goes along with the conspiracy theorists who have claimed the 9/11 attacks were actually planned and executed by Bush. Or someone.
1. Osama bin Laden never existed in the first place. He was an American invention, designed to justify all the bad stuff that the United States has done to Middle East nations and Muslims. The fictional character was part of a plan to turn oil-rich Middle East counties into an American dependency.
But, here's the absolute best from a Tweeter called JustCallMeDay: "Osama Bin Laden has 13 letters in his name. Barack Obama recently watched Friday da 13th. Friday was 3 days ago.3+13= sweet 16." That's parody, folks.
These examples were gleaned from assorted Internet searches. Here are some:
On Twitter, look at #conspiracy