The vampire thing has officially been played out and Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter is the proof.
I wanted to like this movie. I went in hoping that what I was about to see was going to be action and campy blended together to be entertaining, fun and worth the price of admission.
It was one out of the three. I was treated to a midnight viewing by a friend in Omaha and didn’t have to pay, so yes, it was worth the price of admission, nothing.
With a premise of Abraham Lincoln killing vampires, there are certain expectations that are set before the movie starts. You know you are not going to see something that is historically accurate, will make you think too much or leave an impact on the viewing audience. You are going to see Abraham Lincoln kill vampires, how cool is that.
While Honest Abe, does kill a few vampires, it’s not enough to make this movie worth watching, it is truly awful.
A quick summary. Young Abe Lincoln watches his mother being attacked and killed by a local vampire in Indiana. You see, the Vampires have taken over the Southern part of the United States to use slaves as their food. Yes, in the revisionist history of Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, slaves weren’t owned by wealthy plantation owners, they were owned by hungry, yet well dressed vampires.
Abe doesn’t sign the Emancipation Proclamation to abolish slavery: He did it to prevent vampires from taking over the country. But we will get to that.
After watching his mother killed by a vampire, he swears vengeance. Nine years later, after a night of drinking Abe seeks his vengeance, but not knowing what he is up against, starts to get tossed around by the same vampire. Suddenly out of nowhere, Abe is saved by a ninja like vampire hunter named Henry.
Henry takes Abe under his wing and teaches him how to kill vampires. Did I mention that vampires can live in the daylight as long as they wear sun block, yes, sun block and they wear very cool sun glasses. All vampires wear very cool sunglasses, including, Henry!
Gasp, Henry is a vampire as well, but doesn’t like vampires, Henry is a vampire racist! However, God, yes they bring God into this movie, doesn’t allow vampires to kill other vampires, so Henry has to teach Abe how to do it.
Abe moves to Springfield, kills a few vamps, meets Mary, his wife, gets into politics, fights vampires and hates slavery. He becomes president, the Civil War starts, and the battle of Gettysburg is fought against the vampire army!
The make up is bad, the acting is bad, the script is bad, the killing of the vampires is bad, sets bad, 3D bad, everything about Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter is bad. A Russian director Timur Bekmambetov, making a movie about an American president killing vampires and freeing slaves, how could that possibly turn out to be bad?
The good news is Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, isn’t the worst movie ever made, that title still goes to Battlefield Earth, but it could hold the title for the worst movie of the year.
If it is free and it’s pouring rain outside and you have nothing to watch on TV, have already been to the gym, finished every magazine in your house, you’ve been to the dentist, paid all your bills and have absolutely noting else to do, then by all means, go check out Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, otherwise, stay far away from this awful attempt at a entertainment.