Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter – Leading Contender for Worst of 2012.

Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter – Leading Contender for Worst of 2012.

The vampire thing has officially been played out and Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter is the proof.

I wanted to like this movie. I went in hoping that what I was about to see was going to be action and campy blended together to be entertaining, fun and worth the price of admission.

It was one out of the three.  I was treated to a midnight viewing by a friend in Omaha and didn’t have to pay, so yes, it was worth the price of admission, nothing.

With a premise of Abraham Lincoln killing vampires, there are certain expectations that are set before the movie starts.  You know you are not going to see something that is  historically accurate, will make you think too much or leave an impact on the viewing audience.  You are going to see Abraham Lincoln kill vampires, how cool is that.

While Honest Abe, does kill a few vampires, it’s not enough to make this movie worth watching, it is truly awful.

A quick summary.  Young Abe Lincoln watches his mother being attacked and killed by a local vampire in Indiana.  You see, the Vampires have taken over the Southern part of the United States to use slaves as their food.  Yes, in the revisionist history of Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, slaves weren’t owned by wealthy plantation owners, they were owned by hungry, yet well dressed vampires.

Abe doesn’t sign the Emancipation Proclamation to abolish slavery: He did it to prevent vampires from taking over the country. But we will get to that.

After watching his mother killed by a vampire, he swears vengeance.  Nine years later, after a night of drinking Abe seeks his vengeance, but not knowing what he is up against, starts to get tossed around by the same vampire.  Suddenly out of nowhere, Abe is saved by a ninja like vampire hunter named Henry.

Henry takes Abe under his wing and teaches him how to kill vampires.  Did I mention that vampires can live in the daylight as long as they wear sun block, yes, sun block and they wear very cool sun glasses.  All vampires wear very cool sunglasses, including, Henry!

Gasp, Henry is a vampire as well, but doesn’t like vampires, Henry is a vampire racist!  However, God, yes they bring God into this movie, doesn’t allow vampires to kill other vampires, so Henry has to teach Abe how to do it.

Abe moves to Springfield, kills a few vamps, meets Mary, his wife, gets into politics, fights vampires and hates slavery.  He becomes president, the Civil War starts, and the battle of Gettysburg is fought against the vampire army!

The make up is bad, the acting is bad, the script is bad, the killing of the vampires is bad, sets bad, 3D bad, everything about Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter is badA Russian director Timur Bekmambetov, making a movie about an American president killing vampires and freeing slaves, how could that possibly turn out to be bad?

The good news is Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, isn’t the worst movie ever made, that title still goes to Battlefield Earth, but it could hold the title for the worst movie of the year.

If it is free and it’s pouring rain outside and you have nothing to watch on TV, have already been to the gym, finished every magazine in your house, you’ve been to the dentist, paid all your bills and have absolutely noting else to do, then by all means, go check out Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, otherwise, stay far away from this awful attempt at a entertainment.

Comments

Leave a comment
  • You are absolutely the worst movie reviewer I have ever had the misfortune to come across. You write like a 10 year old child with ADD, and even the thoughts you expressed were as superficial and lacking in insight as a child's might be.

    If you insist on cluttering up the web with your ideas, please (for the sake of the English language) look up the definition of a run-on sentence.

  • In reply to Shane E:

    Writing it like the movie, one insane thought after another. Thanks for reading Shane.

  • In reply to Shane E:

    Sounds like one of the pathetic fanboys who frequents rottentomatoes.com.

    Seriously, why are you so upset at a negative review of a crappy movie?

  • In reply to Shane E:

    I agree...seriously, where did this guy learn to write...JC Penney??
    The punctuation (or lack of) is embarrassing! And when you start a sentence with a number, it's "Nine", not "9". And twice you mention his mom being killed by a vampire. The run-on sentences take the cake, though.

    This guy brags he "worked for all the major networks and won a few Emmys"?! Embarrassing!

    I normally don't comment on this stuff...but it blows my mind this is published. Unreal...

  • fb_avatar

    I have to disagree with Shane; I thought it was a well written and clever review, and I would definitely read this writer's reviews in the future. I have no idea if I agree with the review, however, as I haven't seen the movie.

  • fb_avatar

    I was a fan of the book. I was so disappointed by the film. I almost walked out of the theater. In the book, Abe Lincoln was a thoughtful serious character (and hunts vampires.) The movie made him look like a hapless buffoon who stumbled into the role of vampire hunter. Very disappointed all the way around. Even more so when the original author of the book was the screenwriter for the film.

  • I couldnt agree with you more.. it was TERRIBLE!!! I needed to get my $10.25 worth so I snuck into ROCK OF AGES for the 2nd time.. now thats a good movie :)

  • fb_avatar

    ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!

Leave a comment

  • ChicagoNow is full of win

    Welcome to ChicagoNow.

    Meet our bloggers,
    post comments, or
    pitch your blog idea.

  • Advertisement:
  • Fresh Chicago News

  • Recent Comments

    • fb_avatar
      What happened with this show???!! I hope they still plan to do this because I know SEVERAL Chicago ladies who ...
      Read the story | Reply to this comment
    • When I first saw this scene, I was so excited to see individuals with Down's Syndrome speaking up for themselves ...
      Read the story | Reply to this comment
    • fb_avatar
      I feel the same way about all of these reality TV shows. Just because you were on a TV show, ...
      Read the story | Reply to this comment
    • fb_avatar
      Ahh -- I'm only like 2 years to late, LOL! I love conan o'brien! wish id known about this ...
      Read the story | Reply to this comment
    • Savini does have a tough job. Luckily, he can always blow off steam by having one too many beers, peeling ...
      Read the story | Reply to this comment
  • Latest on ChicagoNow

  • Advertisement: