The Downers Grove Christmas Tree Is Racist

Last year, I wrote a post called "The Downers Grove Christmas Tree Is Rubbish" which got me some attention here in town, led to my first paid writing gig and a profile of my blog in TribLocal, and garnered me riches and fame beyond my wildest dreams. Well, two out of three ain't bad.

I thought I should carry on with the tradition and say something equally inflammatory about this year's tree. I'm not nearly as famous as I need to be, so I figured that I had take it up a notch or five. So for the 2011 edition, I will say that The Downers Grove Christmas Tree Is...RACIST! Whaaaaat? Shut your mouth! Oh no you di-int.

EXHIBIT A:

Mrs. Claus or...Mrs. Butterworth?
You decide.
The white face isn't fooling anyone.

OK, so maybe I'm painting Mrs. Butterworth with the same brush as Aunt Jemima. Is Mrs. Butterworth as racist an image as Aunt Jemima? Is Mrs. Butterworth even black?

So I Googled it and found a blog called Yo, Is This Racist? I can't find anything on the site about the person running it, but I'm willing to accept him/her as the final arbiter of what is racist...I mean, he's got a blog right? And a submission box labeled "Yo, Ask Me If Something Is Racist". And when someone named Anonymous asked if the Mrs. Butterworth bottle was racist, he/she answered as follows:

"Holy shit, yo, that shit is astoundingly racist"

Dude, he said "shit" twice. Case almost closed. I have one more photo to submit into evidence, but first some-not-nearly-as-offensive-as-racism-but-still-offensive ornaments:

Cyclopean gingerbread man
with a scrotal piercing
Special needs parents could have supplied
enough materials for a treeful of these.
I'd like to think that I had something to do
with the abundance of plastic wrap this year.
Poor Mr. Bill.
Owen does not read my blog or he would
know that old AOL CD's with a couple of
Christmas stickers do not decor make.
I swear it was not me that pulled
back the tin foil on this one.
My annual dough-based-ornament-gone-bad
Rorschach test.

And finally EXHIBIT B proving definitively that the Downers Grove Christmas tree is racist:

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  • fb_avatar

    This won't surprise you about my mother after the Santa convo, but she painted our black wise man white. She said he looked too much like Bin Laden. I probably shouldn't publicly announce that, eh. Anywho, thanks for the Sunday laugh. I so wish you lived here...ha.

  • In reply to Jen Troester:

    I wish I lived there too! I also wish our mothers lived in the same place...they could totally hang.

  • Knew those damned trees were racist. Just knew it. Even the ones in the forest, sitting there sooo innocently, with their phallic pine cones HANGING down. Racist and Sexist, obviously.

    Somebody ought to do something! There needs to be at least a law for each species of tree. Where is the ETA? Equal Tree Association?

    Great reporting! Woodard and Bernstein, eat your hearts out!

  • In reply to Richard Davis:

    I like the way you think Richard Davis. Sexist, yes! You may have just written my 2012 Downers Grove Christmas Tree post for me...

  • I can see the problem with hanging Aunt Jemima from a tree, or even Uncle Ben, but I think Mrs. Butterworth is white.

  • Crazy crackers and their cracker trees.

  • Sure hope this is satire.

  • A racist can find racism is just about anything, and usually does.

    Look in the mirror.

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