Saint Valentine's Day Massacre

Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
Happy Valentine's Day!!

Saint Valnetine's Day Massacre might be a touch strong but the point will be made.  Valentine's Day to me has never really been more than an inconvenience.  Valentine's Day in my younger years meant taking little paper valentines for all my friends in grammar school and stuffing their shoe box taped to their desks.  Teenage years didn't mean much and my twenties were hit or miss.  Sometimes there was a chick around, sometimes there wasn't and sometimes there was a chick around but I didn't care enough to do anything on Feb. 14th with or for her.  Meh.

There were ocassions that I went all out for someone on Valentine's Day if the wind was blowing just right and I had some cash in my pocket, which was a rarity.  For some reason or another most of the girls/women I dated loved the holiday and wanted it recognized and marked with the usual jazz; flowers, candy, dinner, crotchless panties, ball gags.  You know, the usual.

Armed with the Dixie cup of knowledge that I had of women I managed to meet my wife, we moved in together and got things going.  She had always told me she didn't like the "Hallmark holiday" that is Valentine's Day.  I just thought that was something chicks say to get in my pants and dismissed it.  This woman also said she would never get married or have kids.  Boom! Chalk two for the big guy!  So forgive me if I didn't believe her and her thoughts on VD.....wait that doesn't look right....V-Day.

Our first V-Day together I thought that I would surprise her with a card and a modest gift of jewelry, nothing too over the top, just a little something.  Because she is an accountant and manages our household finances as if we were are Fortune 500 company, she watches the accounts as such; multiple times a day.  I knew that I had to be all Jason Bourne on this mission as sock away what cash I could.  Every buck I got I would stash.

Once I had enough money I went to a jewelry store and picked out a bracelet for her that I thought was nice, ran to Osco and bought a card and waited for her to come home.  As sat nervously at the kitchen table and farted around on the computer and when I heard the garage door open I was excited and couldn't wait to see how excited she was going to be.  How I didn't listen to what she was saying and got to her core.  How I really listened and knew that she wanted a present and a little romance on V-Day.  How sweet I was for trying to hide it so I could surprise her.  Oh man, I was going down in history as the greatest guy EVAH!!

Then she walked in.

"What's this?"

"I got you something," I said as I made my way over to her.

Without so much as a grin, cocking of the head, or loving glance she reached down and picked up the box, opened it and said blankly staring at me, "It's a bracelet."

Then she opened the card and read it with a similar blankness.  Nothing.  She lifted her head up to look at me and said, "But I wear a watch.  How am I going to wear both?"

Lesson learned.  When the lady tells you she doesn't want anything, don't buy her anything.  Ever.  I took the bracelet back to the store, got my money back and I'm pretty sure I drank it up.  That's what I did in those days, and these days.

That's how things are in my house.  I don't buy the wife gifts for any holiday.  She doesn't want them and I don't want to have to worry about buying them.  Being one of those jack-asses standing in line at Jewel today looking for the last dozen roses and a card on the way home from work.  Whenever V-Day comes up and people ask what me what I'm getting for the wife and I tell them nothing, the response is always along the lines of, "she doesn't really mean that you moron.  You better get her something."

When it does, I always share the story of the Saint Valnetine's Day Massacre. 

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