I'm embarrassed that I didn't share this with the webbernets yet but my wife and I did find out before Christmas, on my birthday actually, that we are having a son. I am getting what all machismo filled men want and that is to have a son right out of the gate, first shot. Forgive me if I take a moment to gloat but I am excited, it's great.
The reactions that I have gotten from all of my buddies and male family members has been "thatta boy". From the Serbs, of which my wife is one, the reaction has been a shit eatin' grin, handshake, and a drink of rakija (homemade moonshine) as is their custom. My Kum, which is the Godfather, has two girls and he is grudgingly happy for me. Sorry for all the background but it took me a long time to know what half of this shit is so I'm assuming that most American readers won't know either. If you do already know I'm sorry and shove it.
I think that the reaction of most guys would be the same.
Now that I have a boy what I am going to do with him? What will I fill his empty little head with as the years march on? Naturally he will be interested in a lot of the same things his old man is; motorcycles, football, the Bears, lifting weights, guns, making wine and the truly manly arts. He will be large of stature with birth measurements of 6'2" 250 lbs.
The truth is he won't have to be taught anything, he will just know, instinctively. The world, in all it's madness will make sense to him.
Will he shock the world? How will he make his mark in this world being born to two middle class and average people in every way? How will he overcome such glaring averageness and not be pigeon-holed into a category of adequateness?
He will and in spectacular fashion. He will be everything to everyone. The most interesting man in the world will be born at the end of April and his epic journey will be well documented for the ages.
Songs will be written on the day of his birth, bells will ring throughout the land and all Starbucks will be closed in recognition
It will be glorious and the world will join in celebration as wars and famine end. Muslims and Jews will lay down arms and embrace. Conservatives and Liberals will silence their blow holes and dry tears of joy on each others cheeks. Irish Catholics and Protestants will drink at the pub of peace. My son will unify the world under his banner of charisma as all marvel at his beard of unity, which will have grown in full by age 6.
By age 7 he will have cured cancer while becoming a virtuoso in the Philharmonic Orchestra. At age 10 he will have written the greatest iPhone app ever that will make all other apps on all other platforms useless. During his teenage years he will break every sports record, for every sport in the western hemisphere, including.....ugh....soccer, while finishing his master works in oil and sculpture for the Louvre.
At 20 he will write and record the greatest rap album of all time with an aging Rick Ross, Eminem and Tom Morello which will go quadruple platinum in 8 hours. The number one track from that album will become the national anthem for 59% of the countries throughout the world. While elevating to such rarefied air he will father dozens of children through a new technique for procreating that involves only touching of the elbow, pioneered by and known only to him.
His will be a life of greatness and achievement, one that surpasses all that have come before him. For him to fail is impossible. Ready yourself world for he comes, and that right soon.
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