Why I'm not loving the doula

Why I'm not loving the doula

What is a doula?  A doula is a non-medical professional, usually a woman, that acts as a labor coach to pregnant women.  Their role is to help the mother relax, feel good and be healthy before, during and after labor.  They are there to comfort the mother and offer support as well as make her feel safe and confident.

I say the doula is a smart-ass shyster.  What a scam.  This entire writing was a 45 minute free write that I did at work because I was still fired up from the night before.  I am going to leave it in all it's ranting glory in the hopes that it captures my rage, (this is the only thing I added).

My wife has decided to do a natural birth at home and has retained the services of a mid-wife.  I had my reservations about the mid-wife initially but she stopped acting like a bafoon long enough to string together a rational thought and even sounded like she knew what she was talking about.  This woman is attending to my wife, checking her progress, monitoring the baby and doing everything that an OBGYN would do, including beating my wife up about weight gain.  It's nice that at least they can agree on that.

The mid-wife has insisted that we take an 8 week course, Tuesday nights, taught by a doula or she will not deliver the baby for us.  Extortion at it's finest.  These two broads must be friends.  Why else would she insist that we pay for a course for something that is so completely asinine and pointless?  So far the first two classes have consisted of knowing what my wife's body feels like tense and nutrition, which the midwife has already covered.  The classes are conducted at the doula's home and last night the smell of canned pasta sauce still hung heavy in the air when we walked in the door.  Awesome, have a room full of pregnant women sniffing Italian delights all night and ask them to pay attention the new age crap you are espousing.

At the first meeting with the doula it was just the wife and I.  We missed the first class and she was gracious enough to grant us an audience.  After sitting on the floor through an hour of breathing and relaxing we had some face time, getting to know you crap.  At one point she asked me a question, I don't remember what it was but she didn't like the answer.  I was waiting for a moment to tell her that I won't be present during the delivery.  I knew that it would be best to do it during this meeting when it was just the three of us so as not to be judged and hurled into the street by the other super husbands.  And because of her reaction my instincts were right.  When I told her my horrible secret she sat and stared at me for 4 seconds then asked if it was a cultural thing, I explained to her it was my choice, and my wife backed me up in saying she was not surprised by it and supported my decision.  the woman shook her head, couldn't look at me and gave an exasperated snort, "well, I think that you were there at the beginning of the pregnancy, I think you should be there at the end".

I think you should shut your damn mouth and get this class over with so I can pay your stupid fees and get on with my life.  I'm not interested in your opinion.  Read from your teachers manual, tell me what I already know, and prove to me how little you know what you are talking about.  She didn't even know how to operate her laptop to show her powerpoint presentation.  Suddenly I'm reminded of a saying from my friend in the Army "people only use powerpoint when they don't have anything to say"  Fucking A right!

Aside from that little gem about being there at the end, which was said on first meeting, this past week she was taking a photo for her website, of us and she said to me "smile like you want to be here" and then said while taking an 8th photo because camera technology is too advanced for her "I'll take one more because you are so photogenic".  Stick it up your ass woman!  I don't need your smart ass mouth invading my ear balls.  She is damn lucky I don't use her name and splash it all over this post.

The requirements for being a doula are that you be at least 18 years old, that's it.  Take an on-line course, flop down $850 bucks and you are golden.  Instant expert.  Hook up with a mid-wife friend that forces advises clients your way and you are in business.  What a scam.

She sat there all night reading from her teachers edition.  She read from the book verbatim and the class followed along in their texts.  this is all information that could be found on the internet and since everyone in the room could read, I ask you, what the hell were we doing there?

I am ready to go to battle with this woman at any moment.  Normally I am an easy going person that goes along to get along but not this time, not with this woman.  I am ready to throw down with her whenever she wants.  She can judge me and my choices all day, we've all made some bad ones that's for sure.  So has she, she has made the choice to support her out of work husband for the last two years at the expense of young couples that just want to have a baby.  That little gem was shared after I told her what I do for a living.  While she sits on her dirty ass carpet and slams the "medical complex" and greedy doctors and pharmaceutical companies she has her hand in my pocket and the pocket of a dozen other couples.

A doula is useless.  A doula is pointless.  A doula is unscrupulous.  If you are ever in a situation in which someone tells you that you need a doula do what my wife did.  Get on the phone and call your best girlfriend because that's all it is.  It is someone that is there to help you relax, to help you calm down and to help guide you through labor.  To me it would be better to have a close trusted friend that truly cares about you than some jack-ass stranger that is only in it for the money.


Leave a comment