Elf on the Shelf and other Pop Culture mysteries

Elf on the Shelf and other Pop Culture mysteries
I'm coming for you next.

When it comes to pop culture I'm always the last guy to the party.  I'm a self admitted ignoramus when it comes to most things that are popular in America, if not the world.  It wasn't always this way, there was a point in my life that I was in the know, my dad was clueless and out of touch and I could tell you everything you wanted to know about Saved by the Bell.  My peak for consuming pop culture was those golden neon drenched years of 1987-1991 which was age 11-14 for me, junior high into high school.

It was probably around the time that a friend made fun of me for listening to Paula Abdul, threw my tape out of the car and jammed in a Metallica tape that I realised I was wasting my life and it all changed.  The change was a gradual one, I didn't go cold turkey in detoxing pop culture, I had to go to the clinic several times and endure several interventions by smart-assed friends before I was completely off junk.  But like any addict I still have a guilty pleasure or two and allow myself just "one last" hit in the form of whatever drool inducing crap MTV is running that season.

For the better part of 15 years I've ignored pop culture.  It's not a snobbish "for the masses" stance in which I turn up my nose and scoff at the morons out there from my enlightened library of awesome, it just doesn't interest me, and it hasn't for a long time.  To my point, recently I came across the elf on a shelf phenomenon.  I had no idea what it was, I asked on Facebook for some information and I got a few answers that were so vague/smartassed I was still so lost that I had to research it.  I had to google elf on a shelf and sift through 32 million matches to find out what millions of people have known about for years.  There a stories on "exciting new ideas" for Elf on a Shelf, "To elf or not elf from the NY Times, Amazon.com has all you could ever dream of for elves. Getting the idea?  I'm an idiot to this stuff.

I don't watch Sons of Anarchy even though I ride a motorcycle, I don't know who Sheldon Cooper is, I don't know the all the names of the Kardashian clan and I  couldn't tell you what happened yesterday on the Ellen show.  I made that last one up.  Does she even have a show anymore?  Clueless!!

My point to all of this is this; to what horrors am I going to be introduced once my child is born?  What will be his Dora the Explorer?  What will be her One Direction or Justin Bieber?  What will be his Tickle me Elmo?  I'm terrified of knowing about these things and having to know about these things and having them shoved into my world by a toddler or tween.  And it's unavoidable I know.  Pop culture will invade my life almost from the first day when grandparents and aunties show up with gifts for the baby.  that will be the foot in the door.  But no fucking Disney anything!  That is a rule that my family is well aware of.  I have issues with the mouse, but that's a story for another time.

What's cool isn't for me.  What's for me is whats for me and that's all I have time for.  Politics is for me, the Bears are for me, making sausage is for me.  Exciting stuff for sure but what can i say?  It's for me.  Being oblivious to the popular world that's trending right now is fine for me as I don't feel like I'm really missing out on anything.  Because what's popular now won't be in a week.  The world is moving faster every day so I'm going to do my best to slow my world down a bit.

I'm going to enjoy my last few "dark" years before the advertisers, boy bands and NickToons force their way into my house and subconscious.



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