You're doing it, Cubs. You're finally driving me away from you as a fan.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those fair-weather types. I don't bitch and moan about the littlest things. I'm just tired. Tired of the embarrassment on the field. Tired of the years of mundane baseball. Tired of your endless clown car of PR snafus.
Thing of it is, you'd probably understand that if you truly knew your audience, which times have shown you quite simply do not.
Your latest gaffe was possibly the worst PR blunder in recent memory. Taking the 100th birthday of the ballpark that you have turned into a diva-ish mother-in-law-like birth-year celebration about you and driving it down our throats is one thing. But taking time to decorate the lady with pictures from her history that not only included one that was not of her, but of her bitter rival?
That's tantamount to cobbling together a photo collection for your wife's funeral and including a shot of that broad you nailed while at that insurance conference in Denver. You know, the one your wife hated and who was a bee in her ass forever?
That was what you did by plastering a picture of Comiskey Park on our lady. I am pretty sure this wasn't something you put together at the last minute over beers either; this was planned. Print quotes and budgets collected. Cubs Convention auctions thought out for people to bid on these once-in-a-lifetime Fatheads for their living rooms.
And you failed. How do errors like this slip through so many people? I've worked in manufacturing before, so I understand how, as production increases, an error percentage is added. Maybe you outstretched by planning 81 days of this birthday party. I think not though.
Maybe they gave the same project to the person who managed the Ernie Banks statue. You know, the one that was unveiled for Mr. Cub with a grammatical error in his trademark saying? Pardon me while I pound my head against this solid brick wall.
Maybe it was led by the crack group that, after getting our guts fed to us by the Yankees, who kept Girardi and signed Tanaka, unveiled on Twitter a cartoon bear with a typing speech impediment. Pounding my head harder.
Lean in. A little closer. Closer. I want to whisper this, so as not to draw too much more attention.
WE'RE GETTING OUR ASSES HANDED TO US OUT HERE!
Do you know what it's like dealing with White Sox and Cards fans these days? People constantly rubbing our noses in the misery that has been a century of Cubs baseball? You are literally setting beachballs up on golf tees for them.
CakeGate? A lapse in protocol and a shutterbug museum employee with an itchy trigger finger and a Reddit account. I was your best defender of this event, but still it was cake in the face (rimshot!).
But plastering a picture of Comiskey Park on our stadium? Sorry, folks, but this is too much. Or was it? As it turns out, that shot was just the bubbling pimple. Within minutes of viewing the murals, Cubs fans took to ChicagoNow and Twitter, debunking several falsely-captioned photos.
It led me to start the Twitter hashtag #wrigley100PRfails. Knowing Cubs fans were about to get ramrodded on social media about this, and having spent my school days dealing with bullies, I knew the best way to stem that tide was to take it on ourselves.
The idea was to be funny and outlandish and to take away those remarks from Sox and Cards fans, but between us, it was also to get some of those ideas off the marketing department's spitlball board.
BANGING MY HEAD.
OK, deep breath and exhale. Ohmmmm.
Alright, I'm back. Being an idea guy, I have a thought on how you can fix this and move forward.
You could pull up your pants and take on the rooftop owners about their fighting your much-needed renovations! In a video! Of the owner, completely taking them to task.
That happened? Oh! Let's watch, shall we?
In a scripted, well produced video that spanned six minutes, Mr. Ricketts walked us through many things renovation, but the most time was spent on the actual placement of a protective netting and hinged shield that protect the flat-screen TV from being hit by balls hit off a tee. I was waiting for him to say, "For just a dollar a day, that's the cost of a cup of coffee to most of us, you can sponsor this flat-screen TV to ensure no errant ball ever damages it again."
WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT BRICK COULD BE SO RESISTANT TO HUMAN BONE?
Call me creative and passionate and, just perhaps, a little mad, but I would have probably gone with something more along the lines of this.
So now as you enter what is going to be one hell of a fight with the rooftop owners, and with bloodthirsty media circling the park like sharks waiting for more chum, please execute this plan without any more gaffes. This one is important, because we're mad as hell and we're not gonna take it anymore.
We trust you. I think.
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